Living XXL

My health insurance story

2009-09-11T21:45:00.005-05:00

In 2005, I graduated from college, got a job offer, and moved myself and my husband from rural North Carolina to northern Virginia. We started with a fairly large student loan on my part and a small amount of credit card debt from the move.

Although we had the option to add R. to the insurance at my new job, we couldn't really afford the pay reduction - we were just barely scraping by and weren't prepared for the massive increase in cost of living - and he'd always been extremely healthy, never gets sick.

Besides, neither of us had had health insurance for years while in college, so anything past the campus infirmary's capabilities would've been on us anyhow. (Preventative care? Totally out of the question. When you can barely afford to eat, you don't get checkups.)

That Christmas, while back in NC visiting family, R. drove us into the mountains to visit with an old college friend. We were playing cards when R. suddenly fell over into a seizure. Thank God it didn't happen while he'd been driving us up curving, dark mountain roads.

The small local hospital admitted him, couldn't really find anything wrong other than the aftereffects of the seizure, and sent him home. Total EMS and hospital bill: about $1,100.

Three weeks later, it happened again. This time he was admitted to our local big city hospital for two days. Diagnosis: a nonspecific seizure disorder. Total bill: around $14,000.

In one month, one previously perfectly healthy person developed a pre-existing, potentially life-threatening illness, and one young couple was saddled with crushing debt.

Shortly after, R. found a job with health insurance, which has paid for appointments, testing, and medications. If not, I wouldn't be writing this now. His $700-a-month medication would have long ago bankrupted us and we'd be homeless. Or, more likely, he'd have had to stop buying medication and live with the seizures. Or not.

This system does not work.

It doesn't have to be overt

2009-08-19T08:54:00.002-05:00

I finally went and saw a doctor about my RSI. Diagnosis: carpal tunnel. I'm not sure I agree, but whatever, it gets me into treatment and that's the important bit.

For right now, the treatment is a special wrist brace to wear at night, plus physical therapy. Everyone at the doctor's office is really nice, so I chose to go to their in-house physical therapist.

On my first visit, every therapist in the room was young, thin, blond, white, and athletic. I know physical therapy attracts the sports medicine types, so no big surprise. (The patients, of course, were a mixed bag.) The hand specialist, J, tested my grip and pinch strength, deeply massaged the hand, put hot and cold pads on it (not at the same time), and gave me a bunch of stretches to do. While J was explaining the stretches, she asked:

J: What kind of exercise are you doing?
Me: Right now I'm concentrating on yoga for general stress relief and stretching.
J: Well, if you feel like turning over a new leaf, you should do some cardio.

At the time, I just agreed, but now it really bothers me. J just assumed that I don't do any cardio at all. That comment, combined with her general demeanor, made it clear that my computer-related injury and fat body equaled "fat and lazy" in her eyes. I think she'd have greatly preferred it if I'd been thin and in her care with a tennis injury.

J acted professionally and didn't let her fairly-well-veiled distaste affect her job, so I'm not finding another therapist just yet. It's fascinating, though, how many people jump to conclusions based on body shape, without knowing a person at all.

Hello - it's been a while

2009-08-04T16:26:00.003-05:00

Due to some happenings in my personal life, I've been unable to dedicate as much time as I'd like to this blog. However, I do have a few things to say.

My father passed away last week from ALS - and I'd never before realized how much food people bring to the bereaved! I went home on Friday afternoon and spent the weekend - there was an incessant flow of people coming in with food; cakes; cookies; casseroles; risotto; vegetable platters; cheese and meat platters; fruit; buns; assorted desserts; salads ... the list goes on and on. Enough food to feed an army presented to a household that has only three permanent members. In my experience, grieving individuals often have little to no appetite, for very good reason. Instead, my stepmother is left with mountains of food, stuff that will likely not be eaten before it expires.

Food is a normalizer in this society, I think. Think of all the things we do while eating: get engaged; break up; fight; make up; make important business decisions; make someone feel better with food... I could go on, but I think you get the picture. I remember feeling upset as a child and my mother's response being to give me food, usually cookies or ice cream, because I know now she didn't know how else to react or help me.

Aside from that, my eating disorder is rearing it's head very noisily. My new psychiatrist prescribed meal replacement shakes because I've likely lost 15-20 lbs in the last few weeks to a month. There are other factors that are affecting my eating, but I don't much care to go into them here. Instead, I'm going to continue boggling at the amount of food given to bereaved families, when most grieving folks don't have an appetite.

Rest in peace, Dad.

Gorgeous

2009-07-17T11:31:00.001-05:00

I walked into the bathroom yesterday to wash my hands, glanced in the mirror, and thought "holy crap, I'm gorgeous."

The feeling only lasted for a moment, but it did happen. And it's true, even if I don't feel that way today.

conversations with family

2009-07-06T09:35:00.003-05:00

At a cookout, talking with one of my husband's (male) relatives, legs and ankles covered in mosquito bites from a night camping near a canal at Virginia Beach (don't ask).

Relative: What, are you diabetic?
Me: Um, no.
Relative: [Something about people with diabetes attracting mosquitos]
Me: I don't have blood sugar issues, just blood pressure.
Relative: You need to take some of that weight off.
Me: If I have blood pressure issues, it's from stress, thanks.

At breakfast with my own family, surrounded by delicious homemade biscuits and ham and muffins. Mother and sister have just finished conversation about how various relatives have lost [X] pounds and look great.

Sister: I shouldn't have eaten any of those muffins anyhow. I'm supposed to be on a diet.
Mom: Me too, I've got to drop some of this weight again.
Sister: Tell me about it!
Me: I'm officially fat and happy. As long as I'm healthy I don't care if I'm fat!

Also had a conversation with my mom about how I've never actually had an accurate blood pressure measurement taken, since no one ever uses the correct cuff. It was harder than I expected to essentially say "hey, I know you thought I had this health issue, and thought it was related to my weight, but actually it's probably more related to stress and I may not even have the issue in the first place."

Sometime I should write about having a relative who really is a weight loss success story.

Cause and effect

2009-06-16T20:44:00.002-05:00

The arch of my foot hurts. It hurts because I went to Hillwood Estate on a photography trip last weekend (it was gorgeous), and went grocery shopping tonight, both in shoes without adequate arch support. My foot hurts, and arch pain is an issue for most of my family members, both skinny and fat.

My foot does not hurt because I am fat. It does not hurt because of all the death fat pressing down on it. It does not hurt because I am lazy. My feet are not at fault. I am not at fault. My fat is not at fault.

I speak about medical and health issues a lot here. Part of it is that since seriously starting to accept and love my body, I've realized that I deserve to be able to take care of it. My body, in its current state, deserves medical care. Not because it's stunningly healthy and will stay young and fit forever, or because I've somehow earned it, but because all bodies deserve medical care. No matter what.

Like most writers, I write what I know. Blogs like Shapely Prose do a fantastic job of covering current events and opinion pieces. I may get back to that eventually as well, but right now I can only speak about my own experiences.

Invisible injuries (mostly OT)

2009-06-12T14:19:00.000-05:00

In 1998, I was a freshman in college and the excited recipient of an old desktop PC. The dorm room at my tiny mountain college had no desks, only a countertop along one side of the room for studying. The monitor took up the entire depth of the counter and there was no room for a chair, so I ended up sitting on my bed with the keyboard in my lap and the mouse on the bed by my side.

Ten years of computer geekdom combined with bad posture, cheap keyboards and mice, and every risk factor in the book (Type A personality, prone to stress) mean that I quite predictably have a repetitive strain injury, or RSI.

I'm following the treatment outlined in this book, which is made of win, but RSI can't be treated by drugs or surgery. I have to relearn how to use my entire upper body, including how to type, so I can use the computer in a way that doesn't hurt.

Since I still technically can type, it's hard to explain to my employer that I need accommodations. Since I still technically can carry groceries into the house, I feel like a lazy fattie for letting the husband do it so I can avoid the pain that comes with it. I could have heaved bags of mulch into a cart and then into my car the other day at Lowe's, but it wasn't worth the pain. I found myself explaining briefly to the workers there who did the lifting so they wouldn't think I was a lazy fattie. I can't even imagine what it must be like to live with a true invisible disability.

It's really important right now for me to just stay off the computer as much as possible. Telling a geek to stay off the computer is like telling a fattie to stop eating baby doughnuts, so it isn't working too well, but I'm trying, hence the lack of posts lately.

I need to find a local RSI specialist and/or massage therapist with RSI training, but I'm worried; I've never had a massage, and I'm afraid of getting someone who'll freak out at teh fats. How silly is that? And yet the pervasive nature of fat hate means it's a factor even in a condition totally unrelated to fat.

(Note: Any comments shaming me for being afraid to visit a doctor/therapist will be deleted.)

Fat Acceptance YOUTUBE Channels

2009-04-23T20:22:00.007-05:00

I want to alert anyone who does not already know about a few size acceptance channels on youtube. Here are some sample vlogs from "Project Lifesize" and from "Realtubes":

Project Lifesize was the original, and then there are three sister channels -- REALTUBES, Big is Beauty, and Life Embracing -- all dealing with topics such as body image, self esteem, and eating disorders.

http://www.youtube.com/user/ProjectLifesize
http://www.youtube.com/user/REALTUBES
http://www.youtube.com/user/BigIsBeautyProject
http://www.youtube.com/user/lifeembracing

Check them out, and feel free to let me know what you think!

A Biggest Loser rant

2009-04-17T02:03:00.003-05:00

Ok, please bear with me. I don't want this to be a long post (or, um, rant), but I'd really love to know what all of you think about this...

I have been struggling with this show for quite some time now. Yes, I admit, I occasionally watch it (I'm a bit of a sucker for reality tv). But the more and more I watch it, the more and more it really really pisses me off. Not only does it significantly reinforce the notion that fat=unhappy=unhealthy=unsexy=unhuman, but the focus on the large amounts of weight-loss -- I mean, come on -- SOMEone has to notice how unhealthy/unrealistic this must be when applying it to the larger context of the "obesity epidemic" within America. I get that the producers want to see large results for ratings, but hasn't anyone spoken up on just how wrong this show is??? I do have some mixed feelings -- because for one, I can empathize with the desperate desire to lose weight and get healthy, and two, they do in fact get active and learn to eat nutritious foods...I don't know. I'm torn.

What are some of your reactions to/feelings about the show?

It's hard to be fat

2009-04-12T01:07:00.003-05:00

And I hate saying that. I wish it were easy.

I have recently become aware of how my physical body limits me or at least inconveniences simple tasks in my daily life. Long distance plane rides and being squished in a tiny tiny seat shoulder to shoulder with a stranger who may or may not be annoyed at having to sit next to me. Walking over a mile, cursing my thighs that rub together and that are creating a slightly painful rash or irritation. Wanting desperately to dance and run and skip but finding it difficult to catch my breath after moving around to music for less than a minute. I'm ashamed of these things, and well, I'm ashamed that I'm ashamed...

I have been involved in the fat acceptance movement for almost two years now. I am miles from where I started when it comes to self acceptance and body image, yet, I still have those days where I curse my body size. I also have days where I am grateful for my body size, but for some reason, I had it in my mind that once I became accepting of my body, all self-doubt and insecurity would vanish and I would be the epitomy of confidence and self esteem. That, ahem, did not happen. I definately still have those days, and those are the moments where my insecurities threaten to take ahold of me. Dieting suddenly looks tempting again, working out obsessively and counting points and halting my life...I quickly talk myself out of those things, but if I'm honest, I am bothered by the fact that I have to do that at all. It must be my old perfectionistic self rearing her head...

This is a journey, and that is something I have to constantly remind myself. I sometimes feel bad for admitting or sharing my problems because I don't want to come across as ungrateful for what I do have. It's easy to see the bad of this experience of living in my body, but I want to remind myself (and often) that with this body comes great benefits and that, really, I am lucky to be faced with these challenges. I am lucky to be living in this body. And it's okay that I am not perfect. In fact, I would not want to be.

Fat and Body Dysmorphia in Art

2009-03-30T23:09:00.003-05:00

So I have been frantically working on my thesis the past few months. The deadline is quickly approaching...

I have been researching bodies and their representations in art, and have since fallen in love with a particular artist -- Jenny Saville, a British-born painter who deals with issues related to fat, body hatred and body dysmorphia. Here are a few examples of her work:

What strikes me most about her images are the ways she deals with repulsion and disgust. She treats the bodies as flesh, parts, distortions and imaginary abstract forms with an obvious distance. But, the images are strangely attractive, captivating in some way that is hard to articulate. Saville also does work dealing with gender (including enormous paintings of women with male genitalia) and constructions of beauty (my favorite are her large paintings of plastic surgery patients post surgery, bandaged and bruised).

Any comments about her work??

Self-hating fatties

2009-03-23T01:15:00.006-05:00

I was hesitant to post on this topic because I was afraid I might offend or be misunderstood. But, I decided in the end it was something I felt fairly strongly about -- I have been thinking about this topic for a few months now, and I will try to lay out (sort out?) my feelings here...

Self-hating fatties. Like other self-hating members of marginalized groups (read: women, african-americans, homosexuals), self-hating fatties are vocal in their judgments of themselves and, specifically, their affliction of being fat. Instead of embracing or at least accepting this aspect of themselves, they treat it as their dark mark -- something they will forever be ashamed of and will forever be fighting against. They judge themselves and they judge others, and many times, they are not aware they are doing it.

This subject is a little touchy because of the complexity of the issues surrounding fat -- how fat affects your health, to diet or not to diet, emotional eating and environment vs. genetics... And, while I am trying hard not to make overgeneralizations here and I certainly do not want to be insensitive to those who have genuine emotional and health issues, I find it obvious that self-hating fatties exist -- and, are everywhere.

A few nights ago, I was having dinner with some friends and brought up a recent article I forwarded them regarding obesity and health risks. The article brought up several interesting points that I wanted to share with my friends -- one of which had to do with how high blood pressure should be treated differently in overweight and obese patients because large bodies react differently than thin bodies and should not be lumped into the same category when it comes to treatment. One of my friends, who is a fellow fatty, became very offended that I brought up this subject, and spent a good deal of time trying to convince me that fat was indeed unhealthy, that fat acceptance was just another excuse for fatties to stay fat, and that we all, after all, make choices on what we put in our mouth. I was startled by his reaction, and tried to explain that obesity has complexities that have not been figured out yet, and that the research in the article I had shared with him showed that. He became angry and defensive, and told me he did not want to discuss it.

It is still startling to me just how much my friend wanted to convince me that fatties are to blame for their fatness. That fatties are indeed all unhealthy, that we are all weak-willed and deserve judgment from society.

It reminded me of another self-hating fatty that has recently "come out" about her affliction. This season, Oprah has announced to the world that she has a problem with her weight -- that she "fell of the wagon," and is going to get back on, meaning that she will again try to "get healthy," follow a life-style change program (read: diet), and speak out about the difficulties of losing weight while trying once again. She has had past guests who had shed large amounts of weight come back on her show, ashamed and embarrassed that their weight loss was short-lived, and that they, too, had fallen off the wagon.

I will not lie -- this angered me. Oprah is an amazing, accomplished, intelligent woman who has overcome obstacles many of us have never had to face and has done so with so much success that it is almost impossible to not be a little bit in awe of her. And for her to talk about struggles with her weight, how she has not been able to "conquer" her weight issues, how she is "addicted" to food, only fuels the already raging fire of fat-hatred in this country and teaches her viewers to see their fat bodies as an affliction -- something to change, to struggle against, not to love and accept.

Our culture teaches us to blame those who are fat, to blame ourselves if we are fat, to openly judge, persecute, punish ourselves for our unsightly bodies. And, many (most?) of us buy into this message. But until we fatties educate ourselves on what it really means to be fat in our culture, and until we stick up for ourselves and for each other instead of joining in the game of beating each other down, we will never, as a culture, accept us fatties as worthwhile and valuable human beings.

Blood pressure and teh fat

2009-02-27T16:02:00.000-05:00

I've had what they call "white coat syndrome" or "white coat hypertension" for years. I go into the doctor's office, they do a routine check, my BP is high. If I make them take it again when I'm ready to leave, it's much lower.

R. and I traveled to see relatives at Christmas. While there, the cold I had progressed to bronchitis and I was very, very sick. I ended up at the emergency clinic in my hometown a couple of days after Christmas, begging them to stop the coughing. They did the routine BP check, and the doctor's eyes went wide. I'm surprised he didn't make me go to the hospital then and there, it was so high.

I'd been sick for weeks, had been coughing hard for days, hadn't been sleeping, had been surviving on hot tea and the occasional two bites of food, was sitting in a doctor's office on my "vacation", had been taking OTC cough meds that the doc said was probably not helping, and was dealing with massive family drama. No wonder my blood pressure was through the roof!

The doc was understanding, but did give me a short talk about keeping an eye on it and getting it checked out. Fair enough, and I appreciate the kind but firm way he handled it.

Now that I'm back at home, it's been in the back of my mind. I come from a perfectionist and workaholic family; I've always lived an incredibly high-stress life; I have some social anxieties and tend to stress out about things. Thankfully I don't have a family history of BP issues. I wouldn't doubt that I have mild hypertension, and I'd bet a lot of money that it's due to stress and genetics rather than the dreaded fat.

Nonetheless, hypertension is one of the classic "fat diseases," and I'm quite honestly scared to have it checked into and only get a lecture about losing weight. I'm taking some steps on my own: I'm trying not to stress as much (which half the time leads into stressing about getting stressed, oi). I'm keeping an eye on my sodium intake, although I am not restricting. I've stepped back from a couple of projects, and given myself permission not to take on every activity in the world at once. I'm trying to do yoga more often, and am considering trying out meditation.

I should probably buy a home BP monitor - they're not all that expensive on Amazon - but deep down I don't really want to know. I don't want the castigation and shame that comes with having a "fat" disease. It's on my "list of things to go to the doctor about this year," but it's pretty far down that list.

A while back I saw a link on one of the fatosphere blogs to a page describing how to tell if you need to ask for a larger blood pressure cuff. I've since lost the link; does anyone have it? Not once has a doctor used a large cuff on me, and the cuff is always so tight it hurts a lot. Maybe a too-tight cuff is causing some of it too?

There's so much shame and guilt at the intersection of being fat and needing medical assistance that I feel guilty for even asking if improper equipment might be causing a misreading of my blood pressure. How screwed up is that? It's like when I asked to have my thyroid tested because I have a family history of thyroid issues, and the doctor treated me like I was using it as some sort of excuse for being fat. The smugness when the tests were negative was awful.

I am fat

2009-02-27T03:58:00.004-05:00

So........since this is my very first post on this fabulous blog, I have been thinking for a few weeks now what to write for my first entry. I feel so personally invested in the fat acceptance movement, and so moved to connect with others and share whatever thoughts, research, or advice I have about various subjects pertaining to the fat acceptance movement, that I am at a standstill with my brain -- so many topics, so many things I want to say, no idea where to start - it's paralyzing.

I am fat. And that is ok. It has taken awhile for me to feel comfortable enough to self-identify as a fat woman, what with all the implications and cultural baggage that word seems to have. I spent way too long denying the reflection in the mirror, looking at myself from certain angles to deny the rolls and double-chin. But after saying it aloud a few times (and looking at myself from all angles without judgment), I have begun to feel empowered. Yes, I am fat. I am also a lot of things. I am opinionated yet easy-going, passionate yet peaceful, I am shy at times, loud at times, fun at times. I am an artist and a teacher. I am a daughter and a sister. Fat does not define me as a person, but it does play a part in my identity.

I have come to a place in my own self-acceptance where I no longer apologize for who I am. I no longer deny my own qualities for fear that they will not be accepted. I am not 100% there, but I am working on it, and owning the word "fat" is an important step in the process of finding my power.

So I suppose this is a good place to start in introducing myself. I am fat, and that is ok.

A brief interruption

2009-02-19T00:05:00.002-05:00

Caffeine & I would like to introduce a new member to the LivingXXL blog, Erin. She has a lovely blog located here and we are excited to have her writing with us!

Now back to your regularly scheduled blog.

The evolution of an eating disorder

2009-02-18T01:15:00.004-05:00

I have been trying to put this issue into words for a few months, so we'll see how this goes.

I've mentioned previously on LivingXXL that I have a diagnosed eating disorder called Eating Disorder, Not Otherwise Specified. Basically, EDNOS is defined by highly disordered eating habits, ranging from starvation to bingeing, but generally not including purging. I still struggle with healthy eating habits every day, in large part due to physical sensations I experience during or after eating.

When I was a child, food was the answer my mother had to a lot of emotional upset. The high level of anxiety I lived with on a daily basis caused my digestive system to rebel, most commonly with nausea and bowel problems (diarrhea or constipation), so my mother then put me on a strict diet designed to target my "allergies" to things like wheat, dairy and various fruits and vegetables. Alternately, at my father's house, I was teased for eating too slowly and harped on for being chubby. Also at my father's house, I would eat things verboten at my mother's house with no consequences. I understand this much more than I did even last year - my body reacted physically to emotional and physical stress due to the situation I was living in.

Something I learned just recently about anxiety is that one of the first things that happens when anxiety strikes is a rush of acid to the stomach, causing nausea or mild "butterflies". This explains a lot!

When I was about 11 or 12, I disclosed to my parents about molestation at the hands of a cousin. At that time, I started hoarding food in my room and sneaking it when I thought no one was watching. For example, my bedroom was in the basement, close to the deep freeze where frozen cookies were kept. I learned that frozen cookies were a definite delicacy and snuck them in the middle of the night when I couldn't sleep.

As my emotional "troubles" grew worse, so did my disordered eating habits. Sneaking food for years, I gained weight that I couldn't seem to shed, no matter how much I swam or participated in marching band. This was a source of shame, especially when my inability to make friends who were thin was drawn into question. I ate more, despite feeling extremely nauseous almost anytime I ate anything. I still rarely eat breakfast as this is the meal most likely to cause me extreme nausea, almost to the point of vomiting.

When I was 13, I was often mistaken for being 18+, not because of my maturity level, but because of the size of my breasts. The were a DD by the time I was 12 and 1/2.

By the time I hit college, I'd disclosed more severe abuse, entered various therapies and learned the best way to cope was to throw myself into multiple, time-consuming activities. In college, I was so busy - five volunteer positions; a part-time job; full-time studies and many responsibilities at home - that I learned to scarf meals down in less than five minutes. I just didn't have time to eat properly, I had to take what I could get.

I hated my body, despite the fact that I wasn't overly fat. I didn't match what I saw in magazines, movies and on television. I didn't match what my parents thought I should be. My mother, who has struggled with her weight most of her adult life, taught me a lot about hating my body through hating her own. My stepmother instilled fear in me that no man would want to be with me because of the stretch marks from gaining and losing weight, something I still struggle with.

Since reaching 20, I haven't weighed less than about 150lbs and found out I was happiest right around 165lbs. In December of 2007, I hit 310lbs - on a 5'5" frame - and yet most people, including my primary care physician, didn't believe I weighed that much. Between January and the middle of February 2008, I lost almost 60lbs due to the fact that I just stopped eating. I wasn't intentionally starving myself, I genuinely was not hungry. For about three years, I've also been dealing with a very strange phenomenon when eating - even if I am hungry and eating something I actually want, I will experience sudden gagging in the middle of a meal. I literally cannot take another bite, cannot stomach another mouthful. Apparently this is related to anxiety, too.

My disordered eating started out as bingeing in times of stress and crisis. Due to pressure from my parents, from people I desperately wanted to be friends with and from general media influence, I went from one extreme to the other. I just stopped eating during times of stress and I still find myself needing reminders and heavily regimented routines in order to eat regularly, especially when I'm not working. When I dropped all that weight so quickly, people at work took note of what I was eating - or, more specifically, what I wasn't eating and someone asked me about lunch almost every day. It was embarrassing, but touching at the same time.

I am 31. I struggle with liking my body every day. I also struggle with eating in a healthy manner - regular meals, balanced portions and feeling okay with eating. I feel a lot of guilt over my food choices on a good day; on a bad day, it can drive me to not eating at all. I often do not feel hungry and realize this is likely a psychological response to my buried fear about my own body. It's an odd juxtaposition, this fear of my fat body and knowing I am comfortable at 165lbs (I am currently right around 195lbs) because if I'm just a little bit fat, I'm at less risk of being attacked (another subject for another time).

Part of fat acceptance for me is accepting not only my body as it is, every day, but accepting that I struggle with eating. Eating should not be a source of shame, or fear, or dread. My body should not be a source of shame, or fear, or dread - for me, or anyone else.

The first image is of me, age 11. The last image is of me, age 30.

F words

2009-02-16T00:25:00.004-05:00

There is a word that may as well be a swear word to most people who don't live with it every day. That word is fat. Fat is scary, dirty and oh-so-horrible if you're not fat, and if you are, well then! You're the one who's got the problem, not everyone else. You can be fat and healthy, absolutely; you don't need to be a size 2 to be healthy. And if you are fat, you aren't smart enough to realize it without strangers commenting on your diet, attire and general state of appearance in public.

There is another word considered to be a swear word and heavily connected to - whether rightly or wrongly - being fat. This word is fibromyalgia.

This disorder, syndrome or disease (however the patient or doctor chooses to describe it) is highly controversial and has caused some "health care professionals" to lash out at patients seeking treatment for it. I have even bookmarked an entry by a nurse who makes a lengthy post joking about getting her cats tested for chronic fatigue syndrome or fibromyalgia, because they sleep so much.

Case in point (a non-linked comment for anonymity's sake - emphasis mine):

Ohh I had one of those, except mine was in her 40's. My rather rotund lady was still on fentyl pca on day 3-4 post op for abdominal adhesion lysis. And she was still asking for her breakthrough drugs on the hour every hour. She was slightly bloated but adamantly refused to get up and walk. I firmly told her she must get up and walk if she want to both feel and get better. [...]

My nursing intervention: nurse will tell client to get up off her free willy ass cause fibromyalgia is a bull shit disease!

This stemmed from another nurse posting about a teenage girl (overweight) with depression who was also on painkillers for fibromyalgia. I was under the impression that people went into nursing or healthcare in general because they're compassionate individuals, not to judge, insult or otherwise treat people in real pain like second-class citizens. This nurse has made other posts regarding fibromyalgia or chronic fatigue syndrome that made even my jaw drop and I'm extremely cynical to begin with. I can't be bothered to comb her blog again to find the choicest bits to repost here, but she thinks that all fibromyalgia sufferers are simply drug-seeking junkies with no real problem beyond addiction.

For these judgmental "professionals", fat or fibromyalgic, it doesn't matter, both problems are purely your fault!

Fibromyalgia is a very real problem for millions of people, fat or thin. Fibromyalgia, as well as chronic fatigue syndrome, are quite often linked to individuals who suffer from depression or other mental illnesses, such as Post Traumatic Stress Disorder. What happens is, in my experience, the years of with-holding emotional responses builds up and eventually "erupts" in a host of unpleasant, often extremely painful, inexplicable physical symptoms.

Fibromyalgia is a constant barrage of pain on a varying scale - excruciating some days to the point where narcotics are needed to control the pain; to bearable others, where you can complete most normal tasks with minimal discomfort. Insomnia and other sleep disorders are often associated with fibromyalgia - pain disturbs healthy sleep and often those suffering with fibromyalgia grind their teeth in their sleep. Sleep is extremely important for the body to heal itself of the minor damage done throughout a day - fibromyalgics, especially those suffering from sleep disorders, do not get that opportunity to heal.

Lying down can be painful, any kind of movement can be excruiciating. Trying to sleep without drugs to control the pain is not an option for most sufferers.

There is no blood test, x-ray or MRI that will determine if you suffer from fibromyalgia; it is a diagnosis of elimination. This means if they eliminate all other reasonable possibilities and still have no explanation for your constellation of symptoms, they'll slap a label on it and call it fibromyalgia or chronic fatigue syndrome.

If you have read the link I provided in the first portion of this post, you'll note that pain is not the only qualifying symptom of fibromyalgia. Let me list a few of the common ones for you now:

chronic, widespread pain and painful response to touch (allodynia)
moderate to severe fatigue
needle-like tingling of the skin
muscle aches
prolonged muscle spasms
weakness in the limbs
nerve pain
functional bowel disturbances
chronic sleep disturbances

Those are just the physical symptoms; there is a host of other symptoms relating to concentration and cognitive ability as well.

Being fat doesn't mean you will develop fibromyalgia - nor does having fibromyalgia mean you are fat. Just as science hasn't found a solid link between being fat and having or developing diabetes, it hasn't found a link between weight and fibromyalgia, either.

I saw a neurologist, a rheumatologist and a neurosurgeon last year to rule out a much more serious diagnosis (MS or ALS). The rheumatologist was concerned at my highly elevated sed rate - enough that he considered Lupus might be a possibility (I should note, Lupus is another highly controversial diagnosis - as House says, "Nobody ever has Lupus."). However, after all kinds of tests by the rheumatologist and the neurosurgeon, including vials and vials of blood drawn; three MRI scans; a bone scan and a CAT scan, nothing was found. The neurologist performed a final test to rule out ALS and parted telling me that he fully believed I was in pain and that he was convinced I have a "soft-tissue" disease, such as fibromyalgia or chronic fatigue syndrome.

It's been well over a year and I'm still trying to get a diagnosis - not to have another label, but so I can deal with pain that reduces my ability to live my life to the fullest.

A final thing - I had constant pain before I weighed 300lbs and I still have it. I had it when I weighed 120lbs and even now, at 195lbs, I still have it. My knee doesn't hurt because I'm fat - if it were because of my weight, both knees would ache. If I'm in pain all the time, how can I be expected to drop weight to be "healthy"? I'd really like to know!

LivingXXL needs your help!

2009-02-11T23:44:00.003-05:00

First, though, let me say that I am still here - just occupied with some big life changes that will surely be chronicled here soon. Caffeine is also very busy, so we've been quite quiet on the blog front. This is where you come in.

If you feel that you would be a good fit for what we try to embrace here at LivingXXL and are interested in becoming a regular writer, please contact us at writer.call.2009@gmail.com! Please tell us about yourselves and if you have an existing blog, providing a link to your writing would be fantastic.

Keep in mind, this is not a paid gig, but a chance to voice your opinions, tell your stories and meet other people dedicated to the fat acceptance movement.

We are looking foward to your emails!

Sleep? what sleep?

2009-02-06T09:35:00.000-05:00

So I've taken on a six-month freelance contract in addition to my full-time editing day job. It pays really well, but it means that I'm working 60-hour weeks all told, and after working 12- and 13- hour days almost every day this week I'm pretty well zombified. I desire nothing more right now than to go home and do something totally mindless. And eat white pizza, because white pizza is awesome.

So the posting might be a little light around here for a while.

Just a little change

2009-02-04T14:51:00.000-05:00

I've worn makeup every day since I was about 13 and started getting acne. (It never did go away. Hmph.) The other day I was standing in front of the mirror and wondered whether there's some type of lipstick that will accentuate my pale lips. My current plum-colored lipstick is lovely, but it's really just a way to pretend my lips are dark rather than playing up my natural lip color. I haven't looked into it yet, since there's plenty of plum color still in the tube, but it was such a strange thing to think about playing up natural assets rather than covering them up with something that's "better".

Little changes are occasionally the best kinds.

Roaman's refunds have scammy strings attached

2009-01-28T14:38:00.001-05:00

I returned a piece of clothing to Roaman's because it didn't fit. I bought it on sale, so the refund check was only for a few dollars. I flipped it over and signed it before taking it to the bank, then realized there was an awful lot of fine print on the back of the check.

Here's a scan of the fine print:

WTF, Roaman's? By cashing my refund check, I'm going to automatically be enrolled in some scammy program with a $140 yearly fee? I don't think so. I'm going to be calling Roaman's and telling them exactly what I think of their shady tactics, and they're going to be giving me a refund with no strings attached. I'll keep you updated. In the meantime, the next time you get a Roaman's catalog, think long and hard about their methods before you order. Refund or no, I doubt I'll be ordering from them again.

Edit: Vesta44 has received refunds from Woman Within with the same garbage on the back. Buyer beware!

In case the scan is hard to read, here's the text:

By cashing this check I agree to a thirty-day trial offer in ID Secure. I understand that the $139.99 annual membership fee will be automatically charged to the credit card account I used to make my last Roaman's purchase, subject to credit approval and to the terms of my credit card agreement, unless I cancel my membership by calling 1-800-395-4057 before the end of the trial period. At the end of my first year, my membership will be automatically renewed at the $149.99 annual fee for the next twelve months and I will also be charged every year thereafter at the then-current fee unless I call to cancel for a refund of the unused portion of the current year's fee. I authorize Roaman's to securely transfer my credit card information to ID Secure for enrollment, billing, and benefit processing and I authorize ID Secure to bill the annual membership fee after my thirty-day trial.

Everyone has feelings, no matter what they weigh

2009-01-21T01:35:00.004-05:00

This is brought to you by a comment made on another forum.

I think after 600 lbs, maybe 700 lbs, the person has lost the right to feel indignant about people thinking they're fat.

This is in reference to a show aired on TLC (TLC's programming is a whole other rant) about the half-ton mom (she has since died). The whole post that spawned this comment was full of fat-wank, and I somehow managed to keep biting my tongue and sitting on my hands. Until I saw that line.

It doesn't matter if you're 100lbs soaking wet or 700lbs before getting dressed. Women and men of all shapes and sizes have feelings and a lot of them deal with insecurity about how they look. I've mentioned before how if you're either pregnant or fat, it's suddenly everyone else's business.

If you're going to mock me, or judge me, or tell me you "care", I am going to have feelings about it. If you're going to attack me, in person or behind my back (and believe me, I'll find out), I have every intention of defending myself. Granted, I don't think you'll actually comprehend the words coming out of my mouth when I do it, but I will.

Just because someone weighs 700lbs, or 962lbs, or 82lbs, it doesn't give you the right to treat them like less than a person. Certainly they don't lose the right to feel what they feel, period. I have struggled long and hard to accept that what I feel is okay, what I feel is normal and I have the right to feel it because I'm human. I've struggled to accept that I have problems with my weight (I am working a post detailing my recent struggles with my eating disorder) and I still struggle sometimes with looking at myself in the mirror.

That doesn't mean I'm less of a person than you are. In fact, given such statements, I could say I've got a lot more humanity than you do.

EDIT: I'd like to clarify that the comment I quoted was the entire comment made by someone in response to the original post about the show in question. The commenter had not seen the show. Please read comments on this post by Rachel to get a run-down of the show in question.

Please note, "you" in this case is the general you, not anyone in specific.

Because our existing healthcare system works so well

2009-01-07T21:51:00.000-05:00

I've been trying to find a dentist to do something about the giant hole in one of my back teeth. The hole's been there since, oh, June 2007. In August 2007, I went to the dentist, but there were more urgent issues with other teeth. Here's a short timeline from August 2007 to now:

August 2007: Was charged $2,000 out of pocket for work on two teeth. Insurance paid for additional costs (Aetna dental PPO, which is considered decent-to-good dental insurance).

August 2007-February 2008: Worked on paying off $2,000 in credit card debt from last visit.

March 2008: Was laid off, went without insurance for two months.

May 2008: Chose Aetna dental DMO, the dental version of an HMO, at my new place of employment. The DMO appeared to limit my out-of-pocket costs with no obvious downsides.

May-November 2008: Kept paying on previous $2,000 dental debt, and procrastinated because of the highly unpleasant nature of the last dentist and visit.

November 2008: Started looking for dentist recommendations. Called more than 15 northern Virginia dentists who'd been recommended in a northern Virginia Livejournal community. Not a single recommended dentist accepts the Aetna DMO.

December 2008: Used the Aetna DocFind search to find dentists in the area. The very first search result was a dentist who'd been strongly not recommended in the LJ discussions. Realized my chances of finding a reasonable DMO-accepting dentist were slim. Sulked.

Oh, but universal healthcare is so terrible! Didn't you know that those poor people have to sometimes wait up to a month for non-urgent care?

Fair warning: the next person who insists that "socialized medicine" is a bad thing is getting smacked upside the head. And then they can find me a dentist.

Oh, Special K, you're special alright

2009-01-07T21:49:00.002-05:00

Happy New Year!

Special K has new commercials out for the new year, of course. The first one I saw is of someone wearing a red robe trimmed in white, bending over in front of the Christmas tree. Cue a little girl coming in and saying, "Santa!"

Some announcer-droid comes on, voicing over this woman in a robe standing up and looking at her daughter in horror. The announcer says something about those Christmas treats being overindulged in, and we span to a rather average sized woman eating Special K with a big smile on her face.

The second spot ends the same, but starts with mother and daughter outside building a snowman. As they complete it, mom turns around and the daughter says, "You're twins!" Why? Not because this woman is grossly overweight or shaped out of three gradually increasing circles, but because she's dressed in a white, quilted ankle-length coat. Now, those types of coats are built for warmth and are, yes, very bulky. But they certainly don't make you look like a snowman!

Special K, while a part of a balanced diet, yes, is not going to help you lose weight. It's just another marketing gimmick confirming again how we, as a society, are caught up in this perpetual race for perfection and the ideal body, which most of us will never reach. All we can do, as individuals, is learn to love our bodies as they are, no matter what.

a thought for the new year

2009-01-02T10:05:00.002-05:00

What kind of society is it that asks its members to sacrifice living flesh to conform to bits of cloth and thread?

On vegetables

2008-12-31T12:47:00.002-05:00

I am a total disaster in the kitchen. My husband recently spent a few days with his family in North Carolina, and before he left he cooked extra chicken breasts one night and put them in the fridge so I wouldn't starve. And then I accidentally nuked them too hard and half-ruined them. True story.

I do, however, like prep work. I spent a year or so in college doing prep work for a fast food restaurant. Hiding in the walk-in freezer from onion fumes and flipping frozen burgers onto thawing trays didn't exactly give me a chef's knifework skills, but it wasn't bad work. At home, given the chance I'll measure out butter and spices and flour and such for a dish and put them all in neat little dishes like a cooking show. Anything but raw meat.

What I really like is prepping fruits and veggies. It's soothing and productive at the same time. My enthusiasm for prep work tends to cycle, so once a month or so I'll buy 15 kinds of veggies and end up with weeks' worth of neatly sliced and bagged snacks, half of which go bad before they're eaten. Might need to work on spacing that out.

I suppose it's not really true to say I only tried dieting once, in 2006-2007. There were a few months in college when I tried dieting, just after the college infirmary doctor had told me that I would be diabetic within ten years if I didn't lose weight. The thought of a daily needle was more than enough to spur me into dieting. I ate almost nothing but vegetables for weeks. I remember sitting with some friends on campus eating, looking at my neatly prepared ziploc bags of veggies and being unbearably hungry.

Two weeks later I bounced into the doctor's office and announced that I'd lost 15 whole pounds. He congratulated me and encouraged me to keep going. I didn't, of course; eventually I had to start eating like a normal person again. The doctor, of course, didn't ask me what I'd been eating, or how I'd managed to lose fifteen pounds in two weeks, a dangerously fast loss even in the "dieting is good" mindset. I liked and respected this doctor, and I was so upset when I had to go back to eating real food instead of vegetables 24/7 because I couldn't walk, climb steps (mountain university), or concentrate.

I'm grateful that the whole episode didn't set off an eating disorder or ruin my liking for raw veggies.

A perfect example of what happens when being fat is everyone else's business

2008-12-30T11:28:00.002-05:00

I found this letter and response elsewhere, but I wanted to share it here.

Dear Susan,

It was my sister's birthday recently and as a gift I purchased a membership to Weight Watchers (a slimming help club), all fully paid up for her. She is fairly overweight and I worry about her health. Now she won't even take my phone calls and my mother says I owe her a massive apology. I was only trying to help!

Helpful and concerned.

Dear Helpful,
How would you react if someone gave you a ticket to a plastic surgery clinic and said 'you are ugly, do something about it?'. Yes you owe a massive apology here and I fear even that won't be enough.

Yes, it's family, but unless "Helpful"'s sister expressed a distinct desire to joing WeightWatchers or a gym, it's really none of her business. If my sister did that, I wouldn't talk to her anymore, either!

This is similar to the bus driver who told me to join a gym to fix my severe pinched nerve, because it's obviously a result of me being fat!

Acceptance vs. change

2008-12-28T22:16:00.004-05:00

Hope all of you had a wonderful Christmas, in whatever way you chose to celebrate (or just enjoy a day off from work). A nasty cold segued into bronchitis (made for fun travel and family gatherings), so I've been sick for a week and am a little loopy right now from some goooood cough syrup. Please excuse any mild incoherence.

Although I haven't visited sparkpeople.com in a while, I still get their emails about exercise. I like the way that SP explains exercises and gym machines. I finally got fed up with the constant dietspeak, though, and headed over to unsubscribe from their mailings. When I need the exercise info I can seek it out.

While I was logged in, this discussion caught my eye. A member brings up the question "Does accepting myself mean I have given up?" She states, "...not everyone wants to lose a lot of weight .. say maybe 20 or less. Part of the ride, especially those of us in our mid 40s on up, is simply embracing the aging process. When ANY person loves him/herself the way he/she is, does it mean he/she has gave up himself? Lazy?"

The responses are pretty varied, of course, and whoa, talk about some mixed messages. The general theme seems to be "well, of course you should accept yourself, but you should still lose weight!" Some of the more head-splodey responses include:

- "If its anything short of where you want to be...then I feel that self acceptance is giving up."

- "Most certainly NOT!! Accepting yourself means that you accept who you are and how you got here (in all ways, weight, fitness, personality). It also means that you accept that you want to be better and that you are dedicated to being the person you want to be. Every moment is another chance to be the person you wish you were.

- "Absolutely NOT. Accepting Oneself is, in my opinion, the first step in being able to do or change what you want to change. It allows you to see (truly) what is there and not what you THINK is there."

A lot of people seem to be missing the point. There's a difference between "accepting yourself" and "taking careful stock of your current existence." Accepting yourself also does NOT mean "accepting that you need to change [X]." Isn't that the very opposite of acceptance?

There are some thought-provoking responses, too:

- "However, once I did accept myself as I am, suddenly I felt compelled to improve on what I have.....I learned how to style my curly hair, I began to admire curvier models and celebrities whose bodies were closer to mine than the skinny minnies, and I quit being obsessed with trying to look like a sun-tanned beach bunny and instead embraced my peaches-and-cream complexion."

- "You can't dress and act as though you'll treat yourself well one day in the future when your body is "better." You deserve to look great today, whatever your size is."

As I grow more comfortable with the body I have today, I'm experiencing the same thing. I'll probably never be highly fatshionable, but I'm bothering to find clothes that flatter me and realizing that I don't have to wear baggy messes. If I feel like being a baggy mess that day, that's fine, but I don't somehow deserve to look frumpy all the time. On Christmas Eve I discovered that high-necked, relatively low-cut tops like this Rafaella top at Belks look really good on me. Who'd have guessed? Now I can keep an eye out for similar looks. (Oh, and Belks has a reasonably high percentage of plus-sized models modeling their plus-size collection. Brownie points!)

I realize that kvetching over discussions on a dieting-disguised-as-lifestyle-change site is completely pointless, but I also think it's valuable to examine how people outside the fat acceptance community view things. Since the comments were made on a "lifestyle change" board, the messages are inherently mixed, but some commenters really seem to understand the spirit of self acceptance. Another commenter says,

"I have lost and gained hundreds of pounds because I was always focusing on what I didn't have or couldn't have. Through my reading I have figured out that being thin isn't going to make me happy, the future isn't going to make me happy, and the past sure as heck isn't going to make me happy. I have to accept each moment and live in the moment. I have to live my life for NOW or no matter how much I weigh, I will be miserable."

Exactly.

First Igigi buy

2008-12-24T12:33:00.001-05:00

I keep hearing about Igigi's fantastic clothing, but it's normally out of my price range. When I saw they were having a massive sale, I jumped on it! $50 for a pair of dress pants is still expensive for me, but I'm willing to invest in expensive clothing if it's sturdy and lasts for a long time.

Velvet Wrap Dress with Silk Charmeuse Ties in Purple

My company has a giant upscale Christmas party every year. I thought about going, but we're not really much on socializing with strangers, and I didn't have anything to wear. By that I mean I don't own a single dress. How did that happen? At $50 it was worth investing in a cute dress.

The good: True to size, felt sturdy and comfortable. Cute! The ribbon tie actually ties and helps adjust the fit of the bust section.

The bad: Since it's velvet, I'll probably only wear it in winter, but that's the most likely time for me to need a nice dress anyhow.

Verdict: Keep!

Juliette Top in Wine

Wouldn't this be cute to wear to the office? I love the trapeze neck.

The good: True to size and looked good on me. Nice and soft.

The bad: Showed bra straps in a major way; the only way I'd be able to wear this is with a strapless bra. Also wrinkled like whoa just from sitting on the table.

Verdict: Return, reluctantly.

Bolero-Style Shrug in Black

A little bit of jacket never hurt anyone, especially the always-cold me, and especially at $15. I have lots of cute short-sleeved summer tops this would go with.

The good: Cute, functional.

The bad: A little small for the size.

Verdict: Keep, although I don't know how much it'll get used.

Paulette Pants in Black

When I graduated from college in 2005, I bought several pairs of plain black dress pants. I'm still wearing most of them, and they've held up well, but it's about time to look for new ones.

The good: Instant love. They just felt good before I even had them all the way on. The quality of the material and construction is obvious, and they look good to boot.

The bad: At $50 on sale, still a bit steep, but totally worth it.

Verdict: Darn right I'm keeping.

Edit, for posterity: They're also dry clean only. Ouch. Still worth it, but something to keep in mind.

Health and morality in the media, part 3

2008-12-22T10:56:00.002-05:00

This one is a two-parter. I found it on facing pages in a magazine. The first half says, "Replace your electric mixer with a whisk--" and the second half says "One more way to make your heart a little stronger." Yes, because I always drag out the electric mixer to beat eggs. Or maybe people generally use electric mixers for things that can't be done by hand.

Nah. Couldn't be.

Bras, breasts and being fat

2008-12-18T11:26:00.005-05:00

I found out a few years ago when my friend put my newly purchased bra on her head and it fit like a glove that either her head was exceptionally small, or I had one big set of breasts. Unfortunately (or fortunately, depending on your school of thought), my breasts are quite large - I've recently been sized as a 40H. I like to joke that this letter actually refers to the phrase, "Holy Hannah, those are HUGE!"

All kidding aside, large breasts for me have never been anything but a pain in the neck - sometimes quite literally. Even at my lowest weight (many years ago now), my breasts were always big. I'd also like to take this moment to tell the people who always said that "when" I lose weight - according to some people, if you're fat, you're always trying to lose weight right this second - I'd lose it in my breasts first that you're wrong. I am lucky if I lose a cup size when I lose weight - I didn't even lose that when I dropped 80lbs this year.

I recently had a fitting for a Jeunique bra. I've looked everywhere for a picture of this thing going on - because the way you put it on is so bizarre -but I can't find one. If I ever have the guts, I'll do a pictorial myself. The Jeunique bra - designed after the Golden Gate Bridge with amazing support under the breast and support over it - is a workhorse. It's not something you'd wear to entice your partner to bed and a lot of people complain about how it makes you look pointy - I call it my torpedo bra. Since getting this bra, however, I'm suddenly able to fit into size 18 blouses - with no gaping! It improves your posture, too, but is reminiscent of a nursing bra. Man, I really need to find pictures, verbal description just doesn't cut it.

When I got fitted for it, the woman doing the fitting said that, despite how saggy my breasts are, they were still quite high. She also said that breasts are either big because you were blessed with a lot of breast tissue or because there's a lot of fat. This explains why some women lose breast mass when they lose weight and why some women don't.

I've purchased a lot of bras in my time - some fitted by a "professional", most not. This is the first one that I'll put on if I know I'm going shopping - the fit of my clothing is so different. I'll wear an outfit with my Jeunique bra one day - and on another day with a "standby". I always get told how amazing, wonderful, good, insert adjective here, I look when I'm wearing the outfit and the Jeunique bra at the same time and how tired I seem when I wear it with something else. Truly a bizarre experience.

Now I know, though, that no matter how much I weigh, I won't have smaller breasts unless I have breast reduction surgery - which I may wind up doing in the future because of the pinched nerve in my back.

A quick last comment: It's amazing how when you're fat or pregnant (I'm only fat, not pregnant), your health suddenly becomes every John Q. Public's business and concern.

"Have you tried [x]? It could help you lose weight! My sister's friend's cousin's dog did it and it worked!"
"You're not drinking coffee/smoking/having salty foods/driving*/participating in cult rituals**, are you? It's so bad for the baby!"

Seriously, unless I ask for your input, shut the hell up. You don't need to tell me I'm fat - I already know!

*I actually heard some guy ask a pregnant lady this once. Unless she was prone to accidents (in which case, whether she's pregnant or not, maybe she should rethink her driving) or something, I can't see how a pregnant woman should stop driving for the health of her unborn child. Serious WTF moment there.
**This is just to emphasize the stupidity of some people and the ridiculous things they ask.

window shopping: more eshakti

2008-12-17T11:22:00.000-05:00

From Eshakti:

Sweater hunt: avenue's curvy sweater

2008-12-16T12:19:00.000-05:00

I'm still on the hunt for cute, modest, warm, non-bulky sweaters to wear to work. I ordered the curvy tunic sweater from Avenue since it was only $17 and it looked great on someone in the fatshionista LJ community. (I ordered it because, now that we live in Manassas, the nearest brick and mortar store is pretty far away.)

Curvy Tunic Sweater

The good: The sweater is rather cute on me, and has a lovely soft feel. The sizing was true.

The bad: It's so cheaply made that the oddly-placed horizontal seam under the bust came apart in the first half hour of wear. There just wasn't any material for the stitching to hold on to.

Verdict: Returning it and won't exchange it. It looked nice and felt good, but I don't trust the stitching to be any better on another one.

The irritating: $8 shipping, plus paying for return shipping, and I've paid for an unwearable sweater twice over.

Health and morality in the media, part 2

2008-12-15T10:50:00.002-05:00

This is an ad for a type of diabetes medication. On the left is a man having an oversized ham sandwich. The man on the right is having a giant burger and fries, and furthermore is adding ketchup. Horrors. Goldilocks there in the middle is having a salad made of lettuce, whole baby carrots, and what looks like grilled chicken (no dressing). Oh, and the guy with the salad has water, while the others have soda. Guess who gets the halo?

Don't get me wrong, dealing with a medical condition makes sense. However, it does not make you a better person, or make you deserve a halo or choirs of angels or whatever other nonsense the advertisers think will make you buy their brand of medication.

Health and morality in the media, part 1

2008-12-08T08:33:00.001-05:00

This is the first in a short series of advertising that conflates health and morality.

I have a general lack of interest in pop culture, so I rarely watch TV. I hate ads, so I don't usually listen to the radio, and I tend to completely ignore ads in magazines. That even in my very limited exposure I see so many examples of this kind of advertising is evidence of how pervasive it is.

Today's sample isn't technically an ad (although all the other ones are). It's a splash page for a recipe in a Cooking Light magazine. The recipe is for baked garlic fries or something of the sort, and basically consisted of french fries, olive oil, and some herbs and seasonings. Apparently potatoes are such a sinful food that to eat any, one has to throw all inhibitions to the wind.

window shopping at eshakti

2008-12-03T14:30:00.000-05:00

Eshakti.com has a hit-or-miss reputation in the fatosphere. I haven't ordered from them, so I really can't speak to their quality, but their clothes are just fabulous. I love that you can customize them, too. On my imaginary shopping trip, I would totally buy these:

That last one is my favorite!

Speaking of doctors and communication issues...

2008-11-26T10:30:00.000-05:00

On Christmas Eve in 2005, my previously perfectly-healthy husband went into a seizure. (At a friend's house, thankfully, and not earlier while he'd been driving us up a steep mountain road.) The ER doc at the small-town local hospital blamed it on the flu (WTF?) and sent him home.

A month later, he had another seizure. Two days in the hospital (and $15K in debt) later, he was diagnosed with a nonspecific seizure disorder and put on seizure meds. The neurologist was fantastic: when Raymond started having issues with the Dilantin he was on, she switched him to Lamictal, and he's been stable and seizure-free since the hospital visit.

The neuro makes him go in for the occasional scan and checkup, and during one of those she found something on the scan. She was almost certain that the seizures were being caused by a tiny brain tumor, which isn't her specialty, so she referred him to the head neurosurgeon at Georgetown Hospital. The neurosurgeon immediately asked Raymond to come in for a five-day study.

The original intent of the study was to find out whether he really does have a brain tumor, and whether said tumor is causing the seizures. Raymond's also been having some weird memory issues, so the neuro wanted to check those out too. They hooked him up to over fifty electrodes, took him off his meds, and waited to see if he'd have a seizure.

No seizures, although they went so far as trying to induce one on the last day of the study. At the end, they sent him home, essentially shrugging and saying he was fine.

It's nice to know that in an emergency he would be okay for a few days without meds, but how did we get from "let's bring you in and see if you have a FREAKING BRAIN TUMOR and address these memory issues" to "come on, have a seizure so we can look at the waves! Why aren't you having a seizure?" The neurosurgeon was present for all of five minutes total over the five days, and he certainly wasn't listening while he was in there. End result: five days of Raymond being miserable in the hospital, and no one around even acknowledged what the real issues were, nonetheless addressed them.

One day during the study a class came in, with his permission, so that first-year medical students could learn how to talk to patients. They asked him a variety of questions, and learned more about his condition and medical background than any of the doctors had bothered to. Too bad none of the relevant neuros were around for it. At least they're teaching the next generation of doctors how to listen.

All of you is beautiful

2008-11-24T09:24:00.000-05:00

A reminder from PostSecret that real people don't always think the way that pop culture wants them to:

Corn and caffeine

2008-11-22T19:50:00.004-05:00

I'm sitting on the bed in our mostly-dark bedroom right now, with the laptop screen brightness turned down, fending off a caffeine headache. R., who's a fantastic cook, kindly brought me supper, so I'm also nomming on sage pork, mashed potatoes, and corn. (Corn. Caffeine. I'll get to those in a minute.)

I've been thinking about my brief dieting stint in 2006-2007 and how strange my thinking became then. I got the basics right away: no full-fat anything, no sweets, no chocolate, nothing that might be nice to eat or fun. But then it got kind of strange. I'd always heard of bagels being this diet food, but when I started eating bagels*, suddenly they were this high-calorie food and full of [whatever bad thing] and only eat a half if you're going to eat one OMG!

Then it was corn. Corn's "bad" because it's so high in sugar, apparently, so even though I was eating veggies, I was suddenly eating the wrong ones. It's like no matter how "good" I tried to be, I was never "good" enough. And when I didn't lose weight? Well, it was because I had two tablespoons instead of one tablespoon of peanut butter, or had corn instead of lettuce, and on and on. I can so see how that mindset could easily lead to an eating disorder, because if no food is "good" enough to be eaten, why eat anything at all?

In the early days of my year-long diet, my mom and I were talking on the phone and somehow she got on the topic of caffeine. She lectured me about my caffeine habit and I told her I'd be perfectly willing to work on kicking it--after I finished dieting. And I fully meant to, because I've gotten so much disapproval about it from various people. I had a plan worked out and everything.

I never did it. Why? Because my intake, like my fat, is not a moral issue. On a practical level, yeah, needing my caffeine every morning can be a pain, and once or twice a year if I don't get caffeine soon enough I'll have a nasty withdrawal headache. However, it's legal, inexpensive, and has no proven side effects, so the people who like to look down their nose at me about it can bite me. Sure, maybe someday I'll wean myself off it and only drink decaffeinated pure spring elixir made from the freshest acai berries and air, or whatever the health drink du jour is. But for right now the disapprovers can deal with both my fat and my caffeine.

Speaking of caffeine, if you haven't ever had Sundrop, try it if you get a chance. It's a regional Southern soda and is total heavenly manna. I can't get it here in Virginia, so every holiday I stock up on fridge packs in NC.

*For the record, I haven't ever liked bagels. They taste like cardboard, so I only eat them when I'm really craving some honey-and-nut cream cheese.

I'm not sure how I make it out of the house at times

2008-11-19T08:51:00.001-05:00

We were invited to three (!) Halloween parties this year. We're antisocial geeks, so this was something of a surprise. The first two were on the same Saturday, so we went to both, although we didn't dress up. (Unfortunately, my entire stock of social skills was exhausted by the day of the third party, so I had to beg off.)

I wore what I thought were a smoking hot lacy black top and slinky black skirt. I felt, and thought I looked, great. Raymond snapped some pics of all of us at the second party and I was horrified to discover later that I'd looked like a giant black lump. Apparently I am one of those people who do not necessarily look good in black.

I'm an amateur photog myself, so I realize that how people look on film are not necessarily how they come across in person. I had developed a horrible sick headache earlier in the day, and that didn't help either. But seriously, how can my mental image be so incredibly different from how I actually look? Talk about a blow to the self-esteem, to think you look awesome and later discover that uh, not so much.

My doctor is an idiot, part 2,126

2008-11-18T17:46:00.003-05:00

I saw a new doctor today, a psychiatrist, who not only blew down my previous diagnoses, but told me that my only problem was something I've already been in treatment for. Why is this relative to Living XXL? Because during the course of the hour, I mentioned I'd been on a drug previously that had worked well, but caused a large amount of weight gain - to the point where my previous medicating doctor took me off it.

"Do you want to go on a mood stabilizer that will help you lose more weight? I know you've lost 80lbs this year unaided, but maybe..."

I didn't wait to see a psychiatrist for 20 months to help with my weight. I went to a psychiatrist because I need help getting through my every day life. That has little to do with me being fat, thank you, and there's no need to mention it four times.

do want!

2008-11-17T13:21:00.001-05:00

I tried this lace skirt from Lane Bryant on back in October and it was so. freaking. hot. I wish it would go on clearance.

Just a quick note

2008-11-17T09:38:00.000-05:00

I've consolidated my usernames on various sites as well as this blog, so I should be commenting as caffeine everywhere except Xanga blogs (caffeine was taken there, so I'm using fueledbycaffeine).

Fat is not contagious

2008-11-17T00:38:00.002-05:00

Despite the use of words like epidemic when referring to fat people in North America, fat and the state of being fat is not contagious. It is not passed like a pathogen from one person to another; it's not something in the air or the water.

Just as fat is not contagious, it isn't out to get you. I can't send out a legion of fat cells to attack your size 6 figure when you sit next to me on the bus or pass me in public.

I'm not fat because I kissed a guy once who had some virus or less than a six pack under his shirt. I am fat because of emotional health issues that have led to an eating disorder.

Fat isn't who I am. It's not how I define myself and I wish that other people wouldn't define me by that word. Fat is part of who I am, yes, but not even a large part of it. There are times when all I see in the mirror is fat and cellulite and stretch marks, but for the most part, I see past that.

I see that I am worthwhile, even though I am fat.

I am lovable, even though I am fat.

I can be funny without being self-deprecating, without using my fat as a reason to be funny.

I am beautiful as I am, not some pretty girl underneath the fat.

I am desirable.

I am intelligent.

I am everything that someone who isn't fat is. I just happen to weigh more. My body isn't who I am; it isn't the be-all and end-all of who I am, what I want or what I can do.

Yes, but does it have to be here?

2008-11-16T12:55:00.003-05:00

There have been several discussions lately (along with a dramafest on the fatshionista LJ that I won't link to) on fat acceptance on a personal and political level, and whether one can diet and still be part of FA, and if there's a certain weight at which one becomes "too fat" or automatically unhealthy.

I'm not the voice of the fatosphere or anything, but if you're making "lifestyle changes" that include "watching what you eat," or counting calories, or restricting what you eat in any form, or attempting weight loss in any fashion, you are dieting. Weight Watchers may call it something else, but can we please just call a spade a spade? A diet is a diet is a diet. And you know what? If you're dieting, I don't care. It's none of my business. But can you please take it elsewhere? The fat acceptance community is just not the place to discuss it.

There are a billion other places on the web where you can talk about dieting. For the people on fatshionista who were complaining that they didn't have a safe space where they can talk about dieting as fat people, head over to Sparkpeople: those are the friendliest, most open dieters around.

However. The rest of us need our own safe space, one that's free of diet talk. There's another blog on the fatosphere feed, Exceptionally Fat, who's essentially turned her blog into a diet blog. Obviously that's what's working for her at the moment, and I'm glad she has a forum to explore her journey through that, but it's incredibly triggering to be clicking on links in the RSS feed and coming across diet talk time and time again. It's an invasion of the one corner of the Internets where I don't have to feel guilty because I take up more space on the subway than the genetically blessed person beside me.

Peggynature made an incredibly insightful comment in a discussion on deeleigh's journal:

"I think many of us think, at some point or another think, "Gee, it would be nice not to be fat" but that's to be expected, as we are all still members of a fat-hating culture. It requires conscious effort to remain fat-accepting. The default position within our culture is to desire weight loss -- unless you keep constantly on top of that by fighting it, of course it's going to peek through at times. No one said being fat accepting would be easy.

At any rate, I have tons of ambivalent thoughts about my body, and I even have fairly frequent (though passing) desires to be thinner. Yet I've still managed to avoid doing any kind of dieting or weight-loss directed activity for eight solid years. I know there are other people much less conflicted about their bodies than me within fat acceptance, and I would assume they're managing to get along without secretly trying to lose weight, too.

The people who feel inconsistent between a genuine belief in fat acceptance and a genuine desire to lose weight are not being liars or hypocrites, and their existence does not nullify the right things about fat acceptance. They're simply a testament to how ingrained our bias against fat bodies is, and while they can gather information and strength and friendship from the fat acceptance movement, it's still entirely up to them to decide how they're going to apply it to their lives.

And it still means that, if they want to talk about weight loss, they need to do it on a weight loss forum -- even if they really believe in fat acceptance. Heck, maybe they can take fat acceptance over there for a change, rather than continually bringing dieting back here."

Edit: Thank you, attrice, for handling this in such a straightforward manner. I do actually define dieting as a lifestyle change with the intent to lose weight. We'll have to agree to disagree about the definition. My apologies for singling you out; I didn't know you'd asked to be removed.

Everyone else: I'm not blaming attrice for anything. Her blog is a great example of how people and opinions change. It's obvious that her journey is leading her somewhere else right now, and I hope she finds what she needs there.

This is hot stuff, y'all

2008-11-14T13:14:00.001-05:00

So I wore my brown tights, and they are adorable. And warm. I put them on along with an awesome brown plaid-y librarian skirt (on clearance at Lane Bryant, although I was desperate and paid full price in October) and wore them to work on Monday. And, of course, it was minorly disastrous, because I'm awesome like that. If I sat still, the whole outfit was really cute. If I started to walk, the bottom of the skirt (which was longer than the slip under it) caught on the tights and bunched up, then rode up, making me look like the poster child for static cling. It was awful.

That was the same day that I'd agreed to pick up some ground lamb if we could find it. We started making ground lamb meatballs (or polpette, as Rachael Ray calls them in the recipe) earlier this year and they are delish, but since moving to the wilds of Manassas we can't find a grocery store that carries it. Raymond called around and found a Harris Teeter that had some, and had them set aside a package for me.

After work and several wrong turns, I found the Harris Teeter; went in, stopping every ten seconds to yank my skirt down; and had to ask the guy at the meat counter for my lamb. Yes, I am indeed that crazy lady wandering the grocery store. And I'd love to know how everyone else deals with tights and skirts. Am I only going to be able to wear slick skirts with them?

can has tights

2008-11-12T07:50:00.000-05:00

I ordered black and brown tights from We Love Colors a couple of weeks ago. I was reluctant to order from them, since they had a three-week shipping delay due to Halloween, but they were the only retailer I could find that had solid tights in my size.

They arrived in three days of my order, to my pleasant surprise. Yay for no shipping delays after all! The tights are cute, although I feel like I should have a frilly embroidered dress and wee white mary janes to go with them. I played it safe with black and brown this time, but if I like them with use and they're warm (and they last a while) I'll buy some crazy-colored ones. Of course as soon as they arrived the weather got bearable again, so I haven't done anything with them other than try them on, but it'll be cold again next week and my cute new librarian skirt is calling my name.

Next on the "ugh, where can I find this?" fashion list: cute, warm, don't-resemble-a-bag, under $40 V-neck sweaters for work.

taking a break from teh fats to cheer

2008-11-05T10:28:00.000-05:00

We're going to have a black president. That is pretty awesome, you know?

I've been relatively calm about the whole thing, other than obsessively reading the coverage on Making Light, but I read this on Shapely Prose this morning and almost lost it right here in the office:

At a stoplight on Michigan Avenue, moments after the news became official, a car full of young African American guys pulled up next to my cab and started screaming and waving at us. I gave them a huge grin and a thumbs up, and the guy in the passenger seat threw back his head and laughed, then shouted, “MY PRESIDENT IS BLACK! MY PRESIDENT IS BLACK!” I had nothing to say but, “WOOOOOOOOO!” (Which kinda made the cab driver want to kill me.)

Raymond and I voted for the first time ever yesterday. Yeah, we're bad citizens. This is the first presidential election that I've been politically aware enough to make educated voting decisions, and I tossed ontheissues.org at Raymond and let him read up for himself. So we went over to Parkside Middle School yesterday afternoon, prepared for an hours-long wait. There was no line at all and we were done in less than five minutes. Three choices: President, Congress, House. And done. Touch-screen voting. Mine was perfectly calibrated; Raymond's wasn't, but he was able to easily correct the one that slipped.

It was pretty exciting to be voting in a major swing county (Prince William) in a swing state. I went to bed after McCain conceded, but before all the vote tallies were in, so I'm just now finding out which state went which way. Fox News is the only network site that I can get to load with election results, but according to them Virginia went BLUE! OMG! And North Carolina went exactly even! I'm so proud of these two states I could cry. And probably would if I weren't at work.

I don't have time for that crap

2008-10-30T09:37:00.001-05:00

In spacedcowgirl's recent post dancing with the douchebags, she writes:

I have more important things to do than make a career out of looking acceptable to men. Especially if “acceptable” means “thinner than women who are professionals in a field that is already well-known to be fraught with eating disorders and unhealthy weight standards.”

Oh God yes. I might have to have that tattooed on my forehead or something.

Recent medical experiences

2008-10-28T08:11:00.000-05:00

- New glasses, 2005. I requested that the eye doctor not put drops in my eyes. He agreed, then did it anyhow, and blew me off when I got upset.

- General care visit, 2006. Although the issue I went about was unrelated to weight, the doctor gave me the You're Fat, Fatty lecture. He tested me for thyroid issues at my request, although he was pointedly skeptical that thyroid issues (I have a family history) might be causing some of my weight, and was smug about it when the tests were negative. Blew off my needle phobia (thankfully the phlebotomist was fantastic).

- Dentist, 2006. Received stern lecture about "drinking too much soda" (I have genetically thin enamel, which is NOT MY FAULT, GOD). Was not willing to discuss treatment options, schedule, or payment plans. Dentist used topical numbing at beginning of treatment, then sank a very large needle into my inner cheek and shook my cheek around to distribute. Exhibited impatience re. needle phobia. Am still paying off credit card for that one visit, so haven't been able to go back to fix the next imploding tooth.

- Allergist visit, 2007. This allergist included a comment about my weight in his notes, although I came in with nasal issues. Did a visual inspection and misdiagnosed me with nasal polyps, although a simple nasal probe would have given a correct diagnosis. Gave me medication for the immediate problem, but refused to treat me further without allergy testing. Got angry when I asked to discuss options and refused to work with me further.

- ENT (ear-nose-throat, or otorhinolaryngology) visit, 2008. Correctly diagnosed me as having really bad allergies combined with a deviated septum. Was willing to discuss options for treatment. Told me to have allergy testing and scoffed at my needle phobia, but did at least show willingness to prescribe a topical numbing cream. Pointed out that the cream is usually given to children.

In all cases, I did eventually get the treatment/prescription I needed from the doctors. No, none of these are horror stories. Yes, I explained to each one that I don't handle medical visits or needles well, and every single time I've been blown off. When every single doctor you visit, across the medical spectrum, treats you with impatience or outright contempt, it gets harder and harder to go. Every episode makes it worse. My blood pressure shoots up sky high when I do go, so I always have to have them take it again after the appointment so they won't freak out.

I need new glasses. I have a tooth with a giant hole that's going to be painful soon. I need to go back in for allergy testing. I don't want to order doctors around, and I don't want to dictate my treatment. I do demand to be treated with the respect that any human being deserves.

She's dead, Jim!

2008-10-22T08:50:00.000-05:00

I am so dead, y'all. I haven't stopped moving in a month. First Raymond was in the hospital for a week, then I was gone for training for a week, then we busted tail for our housewarming and had said housewarming, and now I am D-E-D dead. So there's not much going on for me mentally; all I'm doing right now is working, sleeping, and playing video games.

I packed away all my summer clothing yesterday, since it's definitely starting to get cold here. Woe. My winter wardrobe is kind of pathetic - I don't even want to think about winter, nonetheless plan cute outfits for it! Once I get paid I'm definitely picking up some basic black tights, though.

maybe i should look into this fashion thing

2008-10-16T16:50:00.000-05:00

Got compliments today on my new brown pants! I bought the same style in khaki a while back for a work function and got compliments on those too. I still hate that they have to be ironed every time they're washed, but they must look good. Yay!

Now that I have a nice long swishy librarian skirt for fall, maybe I should look into the skirt-with-boots-and-tights look. How does one go about that? I have short little dress boots, but they're probably not appropriate.

emergency shopping!

2008-10-15T16:22:00.003-05:00

I'm in Maryland for training this week, and I somehow forgot to pack pants. Pants! Of all things. I have casual pants, but no dress pants. I faked it the first day with a pair of dark green corduroys, but the dress code is definitely business casual.

I'm doing admin work for the training session in return for being able to attend (my employer's bright idea, not mine), so one pair of moderately ratty corduroys was not going to cut it for four days. After the first session, I drove back over the Bay Bridge to the Annapolis mall, figuring that I can always find something at Lane Bryant.

By the time I got there it was past 8 pm. I was hungry, grumpy, bleeding (stupid period), and my car was acting up, so I was not happy when I got there. (Even unhappier after I accidentally walked into the men's restroom in the mall, which is oddly arranged so that it looks like part of the women's. Embarrassing.)

So I get to Lane Bryant, pull one of every type of dress pant off the rack, and hit the dressing room. Hm. Um. Crap. Apparently I'm carrying some extra weight right now, either PMS bloat or a random fluctuation, and my normal LB size (yellow 6 or 22) just barely didn't fit. And just my luck, none of the pants that looked good were available in yellow 7 or 24. Cue panic.

I settled for a pair of okay brown pants, the Lafayette Right Fit, but also found a really cute brown skirt that I love. Hot librarian look ahoy! (Also seriously considered buying this skirt, which is so so hot on me, but couldn't justify it since it's not really work appropriate.) I'm not in love with the pants, but at least they're a good solid pair of work pants. Total, including a batch of 5/$25 undies*: $130. Ouch. These had better last forever. And do my laundry.

This is one of the times I wish that I could walk into any store in the mall and find cute things in my size. Then again, if I'd had the entire mall to choose from, I'd never have found anything in under an hour!

Conclusion: Lane Bryant, please to carry enough of your cute dress pants in 24s and 7s that I can find some in stock. Oh, and if you could either improve the quality or lower the price, that would be nice too. Oh, and I'd love you forever if you'd introduce a line of Right Fit dress pants that don't wrinkle. The frumpy department stores can do it, so I have faith in you.

*They're now hiding them in big white drawers, so they're hard to find. I like the organizational aspect - I know I want 22/24 hipsters, and they're all together! - but on first look it just seemed like their underwear section had shrunk to almost nothing.

That other post on weight loss & my eating disorder

2008-10-10T22:18:00.003-05:00

In my last post, I mentioned how watching my mother struggle with her weight for years has influenced my own struggles. I have also mentioned previously that I was diagnosed with a rather vague, but real, eating disorder earlier this year.

I was diagnosed with something called Eating Disorder (Not Otherwise Specified) and it basically means that I have highly disordered eating habits that also tend towards binge eating at times. It is classified in the DSM-IV-TR as "a category [of] disorders of eating that do not meet the criteria for any specific eating disorder". After diagnosis by a psychiatrist, it was difficult to explain to my primary care physician what it is and why it poses a problem for me in managing my weight.

I am not stupid, not by any means. I know this and yet when it comes to eating, I feel like I'm not grasping something basic. When I was younger, I had small stockpiles of junk food in my bedroom. When it was discovered, I was scolded for hiding food - but never asked why. I know now, given the therapy I've been in, that my overeating when I was younger is linked to severe emotional issues that were also ignored. As I got older, the concentration on the fact that I was chubby and not a slim 10, 12 or 18 year old, played into my disorder even more. It got to the point where instead of overeating in times of stress, I stopped eating at all. I am now more prone to starving myself (not consciously - I just don't feel hungry) when under stress, but still have periods of binge eating which leave me feeling sick and bloated.

I was plagued as a child with what could be termed a nervous stomach - often sick for no apparent reason (though now the reason is very clear - long-term post-traumatic stress disorder symptoms still plague my digestive system), I almost always felt nauseous after eating anything. I thought it was normal and soon stopped complaining. I found out many years later that it was actually indicative of a gall bladder problem - a congenital defect that didn't allow the gall bladder to drain properly. That has since been fixed, but this issue with nausea after eating persists.

It's frustrating - I love cooking and baking, but I can hardly eat anything more complex than bread, cheese, eggs, milk, rice & water these days. Rare is the time when I can finish even a small portion of anything ordered in a restaurant (a side note: the man I'm dating likes this - it means he gets a second helping!), only now it's not nausea that stops me. I'm not full, but the thought of taking another bite of anything just turns my stomach. This probably plays a big part in the amount of weight I've lost this year.

I am happy with my 72lb weight loss, don't get me wrong. I only fear that it will all pile back on eventually, as weight lost so rapidly (60lbs in about 2 months, the remainder in about 7) does tend to reappear - at least in my experience. I am honestly comfortable with myself at 248lbs - but if I lost a few more pounds, that wouldn't be terrible. Gaining, however, is a scary feat. The yo-yo dieting my mother took part in for years proves this point, too.

My mother has been so focused on her weight for as long as I could remember, even putting me on a diet at the age of 6, believing I was too fat. She's tried almost every fad diet out there, from cabbage soup diets to the lemon, water, maple syrup & cayenne pepper diet. Those diets consisted mostly of ways to crash diet, but not suffer the consequences of starving yourself. She didn't suffer from low blood sugar or fainting spells, but she always wound up back on another diet within weeks of finishing the last one. Why? Because the pounds crept back on as she reverted to her poor eating habits.

In later years, she's tried more esoteric diets - such as replacing hunger for food with prayer or inviting God into the empty space, regardless of whether she's eaten recently or not - and still fasts on a regular basis. She still struggles - and has recently gained more weight, which has frustrated her. She's trying, again, to relearn healthy eating habits, but often falls back on her fasting and crash dieting. She also has a hard time accepting that as she's gotten older, losing weight may become harder due to menopause.

Trying to break free of my own eating disorder is difficult when my mother is still struggling so much with her unhealthy eating habits. Old habits are hard to break - I just have to keep working at it. Sometimes, it would seem easier to just give up and keep on going as I have been, consequences be damned.

Thankfully, I am in a better headspace than I have been in in a long time and I have someone in my life who puts up with my weird quirks whether they're related to what side of the bed I need to sleep on or how much I can eat for dinner.

hello world

2008-10-10T09:31:00.000-05:00

We're on the fatosphere feed! Thanks, Fat Fu. We spent some time working up a body of posts, and a consistent posting schedule, before we asked to be added, so we're really really excited to be listed. Hope everyone enjoys.

Important notes on fat acceptance & diets

2008-10-04T21:52:00.004-05:00

We've recently had to address the issues of diets in this space; namely comments rewarding massive weight loss in a very short period of time with a "Congratulations!" and ignoring what might be serious health implications, even after it was stated that an eating disorder played a role in such drastic weight loss.

I have posted on many occasions about my health issues that relate to me being fat, but also about accepting myself as I am, fat rolls and all. It's been a long road to being able to look at myself in the mirror without hating what I see, and I'm by no means at the end of it, but I'm much further along than I expected to be.

Fat acceptance is not about forcing others to accept us, though that is something I'd like to see - others accepting me for who I am, not how I look - but accepting ourselves for who we are. Fat acceptance is about loving ourselves despite being fat. Fat acceptance is also about accepting that other fat people are okay with being fat and not urging them to diet or lose weight. If someone is healthy (and you can be fat and healthy!) and happy, it's not anyone else's business.

Diets in the realm of the grapefruit diet or the cabbage soup diet are essentially quick fixes, crash diets with a fancy name and rules. I watched my own mother try many diets over the years and never have much success. She had me on diets when I was quite small and helped shape my poor relationship with food and eating and now she struggles to maintain a healthy weight and I struggle with an eating disorder, but that is another topic for another time.

There are a lot of resources, both online and off, about developing a diet that is right for leading a healthy lifestyle and if you are seeking a weight-loss miracle, you won't find it here. Tips about eating healthier for anyone? Bring it on.

Because apparently it needs to be said

2008-10-02T13:43:00.000-05:00

Our purpose here is to chronicle our experiences as fat people. Occasionally those experiences are good; most of the time they're not, given the way that fat people are seen in society. That's okay: not everything has to be uplifting all the time. We're both fat acceptance advocates, although not activists quite yet. We've both dieted, and we know that it doesn't work. Trying to convince us that our experiences are invalid isn't really going to work.

As we delve more into blogging, we'll probably start discussing fat acceptance tenets and connect more to the main body of the fatosphere. For now, we're simply recording, and that's okay too.

Don't get fat - eat paper!

2008-10-01T11:36:00.001-05:00

I stumbled across the website of Icelandic designer Hafsteinn Juliusson the other day from an article about their growing jewelry. That's pretty neat! Some of the other designs on their site, though, illustrate concepts in ways they probably didn't intend. The description of "Slim Chips" reads, "Slim Chips are good and they contain no calories. Instead of getting fat you can now eat paper with different flavors. It's like eating tasty air. The Slim Chips are made out of edible paper and pure organic tastes."

I'm assuming that this is an art concept and that the designers don't actually intend to market paper chips. Slim Chips are the ultimate outcome of a society that assigns morality to food, and frowns on eating anything with actual substance. Anyone who eats chips, of course, must not have any morals (look at the way the two men in the picture are shoveling giant handfuls of chips into their mouths, and the guilty glee of the man in front), so we'll just substitute their nasty chips with something that's so good for you it doesn't have any calories at all!

"Instead of getting fat you can now eat paper." Indeed. If those are my choices, I'll happily stay fat.

One quick thing

2008-09-30T19:23:00.002-05:00

Without any really conscious effort, I have lost a total of 72lbs since January 1, 2008. I have been under a lot of emotional stress this year and attribute most of that loss, about 60lbs in a month to two months, to the toll the stress took on my body.

I do not recommend attempting weight loss this way at all. I've had one doctor congratulate me on this loss, and the other doesn't seem to think that much weight loss in that little time is anything to be worried about.

I'm not old enough for this...?

2008-09-24T08:00:00.001-05:00

Found my first gray hairs a couple of days ago, springing boldly up from my temple. I have dark blonde hair, so for now they blend just fine, but wtf am I doing going gray at the ripe old age of 28? Various friends on the interwebs have assured me that this is nothing unusual, but I'm still struggling with it. Not because I'm visibly aging: I'm just fine with that (although I thought it would start somewhat later than my 20s). But even though I'm a proponent of fat acceptance; I've come to terms with being fat; I still have internalized hatred that tells me that any sign of less-than-perfection is a moral failing. If I hadn't stressed so much or taken on so many things or had been more relaxed or been a better person, I wouldn't have four or five gray hairs at 28.

It's so silly, I know. But like so many other things, we as a society have conflated morality and health to such an extent that I don't actually know whether one can turn themselves gray, or whether it's purely genetic.

Things I don't want or need to hear

2008-09-17T10:30:00.003-05:00

My mother often says things about my weight that are far from being caring and usually wind up hurting me. The latest thing - though she has done this for years - is to ask if the man I've been dating for three weeks likes me despite the fact that I'm fat.

I am well aware of where this comes from. My mother was not always fat - she used to be quite slender - and her husband (my stepfather) is vocal about not liking the fact that she's gained a lot of weight and been unable to take it off. I feel sympathy for her, but just because the man she married has focused so much on her appearance doesn't mean every man does.

D is definitely into me, rolls, wobbly bits and all. I know this, without doubt, and yet, when my mother asks the question I start to wonder. I find it sad and frustrating that so many of my body image issues were my mother's first and I learned from her to dislike my body and how it looks, naked or clothed.

My body is pale and wobbly and has cellulite. I have stretch marks and saggy bits. But it is my body and I like it. I have curves. My skin is soft. My legs are well-toned and I don't look like a horror movie monster when I'm naked.

grocery store oddities

2008-09-10T08:23:00.000-05:00

Since we've moved we no longer have access to our beloved Harris Teeter, so we've been exploring grocery stores in the area. The two local Giants were meh and gross, respectively; the Bloom was overpriced. The only store left to try was the local Shoppers (or drive 10 miles to get to a Wegmans or Harris Teeter), so Shoppers it was. I've heard horror stories about the chain, but we were pleasantly surprised. It was well-lit, clean, had a great produce section, and a good variety of groceries.

As we were checking out (with the slowest cashier ever, oi), an older lady walked by, stopped to poke at various bags in our cart, and loudly asked us if we were stocking up for something. Um, no, actually we hadn't really been grocery shopping since we moved, and we needed both staples and produce. She left still commenting on our full cart.

Last year, while we were loading groceries into our car in the Harris Teeter parking lot, an older man asked us how many children we have. (Answer: none.)

Does everyone else on earth go shopping once a week or something, rather than every 3-4 weeks like we do? Do other people get these comments from total strangers, or is it because we're fatties? When I worked at a grocery store in college, no one looked twice unless a customer had two carts of groceries rather than one (usually people with lots of kids, or daycare providers). Also, in what universe is it acceptable to comment on other people's groceries?

Being fat doesn't mean I want shapeless clothes!

2008-09-08T17:21:00.004-05:00

As my lovely co-blogger Lindley briefly mentioned encountering shapeless tops in her last post, I have always struggled to find clothing that has a shape other than square. I am not square, I am fat and there is a vast difference.

There are many different shapes out there - triangular/pear shaped; apple/round; straight & the oft-sought hourglass figure. I am lucky enough to be proportioned as an hourglass. However, this is not the only figure that benefits from clothing that has shape. Any figure, round, straight, pear shaped or otherwise, benefits from some type of basic tailoring. Give the illusion of a nipped in waist-line with stitching and almost everyone benefits.

People often don't believe I weight 250lbs (probably less now since I've been dropping more weight but I don't own a scale) because I wear clothes that fit me properly - and that means I don't wear square shirts and rectangular skirts or pants. I have curves - I should not have to change my shape to fit into clothes, I should be able to find clothes that fit the curves.

Another sore point for me is that of the three chains here in Edmonton that sell plus sized clothing, one sells "active wear" only, which amounts to a lot of shapeless pants, t-shirts and sweats. One sells a lot of square clothing - everything looks like a block if you hold it up - and a lot of old-lady styles/prints. The last one is undoubtedly the better of the three (and it is a sister company of store 2), but is quite expensive. I have lucked out there, though, and found bras that fit that cost less than $100 and gotten some great sale items.

The other thing about searching for and finding plus-sized clothes that have shape is that I get a lot of compliments about how I dress. I even had someone ask if I made my own clothes because everything they'd ever seen me in looked like it was made just for me.

I have a beach wedding to go to in November. This means a Herculean task is ahead of me - finding an appropriate dress for a beach wedding in Mexico while living in a place where it's already close to snowing; it also means finding one that won't break the bank. I'll keep you posted.

First try at buying clothing from Roamans

2008-09-03T12:21:00.000-05:00

Roamans has had a great clearance sale on some of their clothing, so I figured I'd give them a try, with moderate success. I'm good at finding cute summer clothing for work, but winter? Not so much, so I picked up some sweaters hoping they'd be okay. Out of four items, I kept two. The other two are on my coffee table; really need to send those back. I hate it when clothing comes in those shipping bags so that I have to scrounge up a box to return things.

This lace tee in purple was...okay. Unlike the photo, there's no noticeable shaping at the waist, so it's pretty shapeless. I'm pretty sure I've seen my grandmother wearing a similar top. It's one of the most comfortable dressy tops I've ever worn, though, and it won't look totally horrible at work, so I kept it.

This mock turtleneck in dark olive was shapeless, baggy, and looked awful on me. Back it goes.

I bought two of these V-neck sweaters, one in ocean blue and one in brown. The brown was another shapeless mess and the shoulders were way too wide (I have very narrow shoulders, though). The ocean blue, while still baggy, flattered my coloring more and I could swear the shoulders weren't as wide. The brown goes back, the blue stays.

I take up space

2008-09-03T08:00:00.000-05:00

On Route 50 in Chantilly, there's a speed limit sign that's off-center. Rather than being hung in the middle like most signs, the bolts are on the left side, so the sign sticks out to the right, away from the road. Knowing the way people drive around here, the sign probably edged away from the road in self-defense. When you're driving by, the sign looks as if it's carefully tucked out of the way, out of the line of fire.

I've spent a lot of my life like that. As a child and teen I developed a carefully cultivated public persona that's shy, apologetic, overly polite, and inoffensive in every way. Since being fat is obviously a moral failing that makes me inferior to everyone I meet, I learned very quickly to move out of the way, stay out of the way, apologize for being in the way. I spent years squishing myself up against the window or out into the aisle on buses and trains, regardless of whether I was actually overflowing my seat. My incredible load of guilt about taking up space made me overly quick to apologize if I even thought I'd gotten in someone else's way.

When I discovered fat acceptance I realized that a) fat is not a moral failing, and b) I have the same right as everyone else to exist in public space. Just realizing that I have a right to exist, even in public, gave me a tremendous boost of self-confidence. I even have the right to look attractive, to not hide myself in baggy clothing! (Not that there's anything wrong with baggy clothing, but it definitely became one of my self-defense mechanisms, and I don't always feel like dressing that way.)

I've started slowly changing my ways. When I'm in public (or in private, for that matter), I occupy the space I occupy. No one has the right to be nasty about it. I'm not talking about deliberately getting in the way or obnoxiously taking up space. I'm talking about just being present: going grocery shopping and not squishing myself up against the cart in line. Riding the train and not giving myself muscle tics while desperately trying to give my seatmate all the room. I'm not always successful - it's hard to break the habits of a lifetime - but it's a start.

The difference a little self-confidence makes

2008-08-31T23:27:00.003-05:00

On Thursday, I finished an 18-week therapy program. While I am far from being completely okay with myself, apparently the changes I've undergone have had a huge impact on my self-confidence.

Also on Thursday, I had a first date with a guy I'd never met face-to-face before. Besides being a first date with him, it was the first date I've been on in almost ten years. Despite the usual jitters, I felt confident, more confident than I've felt in a very long time. Apparently it made a big difference - he called me on Saturday to make plans for the coming week.

The date aside, I've noticed a few other changes. I stopped using my cane at the beginning of last week and I've been walking better and definitely more confidently. There's even a swing of my hips! Since then, I've been getting a lot of smiles, comments and general attention. The biggest one? Coming home yesterday from a day of theatre-going, the bus driver (really hot, I might add) caught my eye in the rear-view mirror and smiled, several times. When I got off, he made some very flirtatious comments - the content of those are gone, but the feeling remains.

I'm not loving myself yet - my physical appearance, anyway - but I'm getting there.

Yet more evidence that people are bad at recognizing body sizes

2008-08-30T09:22:00.000-05:00

When I was getting ready to go to this work event, one of my co-workers, bless him, suggested that I get a particular brand of khakis sold mostly at places like REI. I didn't have the heart to tell him that there's no way anything REI sells would even come close to fitting me. I appreciated the thought, though.

2008-08-28T09:27:00.002-05:00

RioIriri really hits it on the head with this post, in which she says:

"Even IF it is true that fat is unhealthy... (and it isn't)

Even IF lifestyle is the sole cause of being fat... (and it isn't)

Those are STILL not acceptable reasons for the things people say about and do to fat people."

YES. This. Didn't we all learn in kindergarten that it's not acceptable to be mean to other people? The media is playing a large part by telling people that it's okay to be mean to fat people, because they deserve it. (See: whatever movie is out that features fat people as the butt of jokes, and there's always one of those out.) It doesn't matter whether [demographic] brought [whatever] on themselves or not: they don't deserve to be made fun of, taunted, teased, discriminated against. No one makes movies (or TV shows, or "news" segments, and so on) making fun of smokers and calling them gross and irresponsible and encouraging people to make nasty comments in the grocery store about how if only those lazy smokers would sack up and "get over" their addiction, they wouldn't be offending the eyes and wallets of those around them.

You don't have to like me; you don't have to find me hot; you don't have to want to have sex with me; but you do have to meet the minimum standards of politeness you would with anyone else.

My new fat pants

2008-08-27T08:00:00.002-05:00

A couple of weeks ago I was asked to go to a work function by my boss's boss. Gov't contractors at these events are expected to wear [contractor] polo shirts and khaki pants. Since this is the only one of this event I'll be attending, I figured they could just deal with me wearing jeans.

The day before the event, a department-wide email landed in my inbox reminding us that we have to wear khakis, not jeans. Hmph. So I went by Lane Bryant on the way home from work on a frantic pant-buying mission.

Thankfully these belted trouser pants fit, although at $50 they hit my checking account a lot harder than I'd have liked. They actually look pretty good on me: I got compliments at the event, and now I have another pair of dress pants for work.

I almost bought this lantern sleeve top, since it was really cute on, but again a bit pricey; I'll probably get it next time I go. I did buy the Hottest Top Ever, on clearance. It's not on their website any more, but it's similar to this. If I get some time I might post pics of it eventually.

Health "professionals" sometimes make me sick

2008-08-25T13:22:00.002-05:00

To the woman I manned a booth with at an arts festival this weekend:

You are a complete idiot. I don't care if you work in a physiotherapy practice, stating that all 70-year-old women who come in with knee and hip pain would be fine if they only lost 20 pounds is asinine. I should think a 70-year-old woman without some degree of joint pain is relatively rare compared to those that do suffer from knee and hip pain. They're 70-years-old after all!

I don't care that you don't say it to them, the fact that you think it - and that the rest of the people you work with apparently also think it (according to you) - is enough to make me never want to visit the facility you work at. I'm sure your disdain for someone who might be a little overweight suffering pain of any type comes through in your attitude. It sure did with me.

Also, you can be fat and fit and healthy. I should know! Yes, I have medical issues, but they contribute to the fact that I'm fat -not the other way around. I can still get up two long flights of stairs without losing my breath. I may be in pain, but I can still breathe at the top.

You do not have to be good.

2008-08-25T08:00:00.000-05:00

I first read Mary Oliver's poem "Wild Geese" in a college poetry class. I didn't get much out of it at the time, but I stumbled across the poem on the web a year or two ago and was just stunned by how much it suddenly connected. Connected with me, connected with fat, gave me a sense of my "place in the family of things." In the greatest scale of things, what does it matter if one person is fat? Or thin? Or a model of societal expectations?

This post over at roundshape reminded me of the poem as well. Oliver gives us permission to be who we are, to be human and soft and vulnerable, to choose to love ourselves rather than punish ourselves. That's pretty revolutionary these days.

Wild Geese

You do not have to be good.
You do not have to walk on your knees
for a hundred miles through the desert repenting.
You only have to let the soft animal of your body
love what it loves.
Tell me about despair, yours, and I will tell you mine.
Meanwhile the world goes on.
Meanwhile the sun and the clear pebbles of the rain
are moving across the landscapes,
over the prairies and the deep trees,
the mountains and the rivers.
Meanwhile the wild geese, high in the clean blue air,
are heading home again.
Whoever you are, no matter how lonely,
the world offers itself to your imagination,
calls to you like the wild geese, harsh and exciting —
over and over announcing your place
in the family of things.

from Dream Work by Mary Oliver
published by Atlantic Monthly Press
© Mary Oliver
Courtesy Poeta Cubano

Has it been ten years already? Good.

2008-08-20T08:56:00.000-05:00

High school was not a good time for me, so I don't have very many fond memories. This year is the ten-year anniversary of my high school graduation, though, so I've spent some time looking back at myself and my environment there.

I was desperately self-conscious in high school. My (relatively new, bestowed by puberty) fat made me feel even uglier than the braces. (Looking back at photos, I was actually pretty cute, except for the horribly dorky glasses. Huh.) I was the quiet, smart kid in the corner who always got picked on, so by high school I probably looked like a beaten cur, slinking around corners to avoid getting kicked. I couldn't wait to get out of there.

Had I been shown the slightest kindness by classmates or teachers, my life probably would have been a lot different, but that's not really the point. The point is that I liked to sing, and I was pretty good at it. Most of what I sang was classical vocal and religious music (see: school and church choirs).

My senior year, I spent a lot of time hanging out with a fellow school choir member, Josh Throneburg. At the time he was an up-and-coming country singer, although I haven't seen anything about him on Google recently. We hung out at his home recording studio and sang.

That summer, he planned to go on tour as the opening act for the country group Confederate Railroad. We made tentative plans for me to go along as a backup singer. The plan fell apart (my parents freaked out at the thought of me going on tour; he decided to take an opportunity to tour independently instead), but I more than likely wouldn't have gone anyhow, because I thought I was "too big" to be on stage. I wonder from time to time what would have happened if I went. Would I have been crushed to find my opinions about my size confirmed, or would I have found the self-confidence to be a performer?

(I went on to be a vocal performance major in college for a few years before decided I didn't want to make a living performing. My lack of self-confidence was still an issue, but my size wasn't; many classical vocalists are larger.)

"You're too fat for life!"

2008-08-19T15:29:00.001-05:00

That was shouted at me while I crossed the street one day, wearing my favourite dress, which, I will grant you, might be a bit short.

I hate to break it to you, but I am definitely not "too fat for life". If you were trying to draw attention to the fact that I'm fat, too late, buddy, I already know.

Fat TMI

2008-08-13T07:28:00.000-05:00

The closest restrooms to me at work serve about a quarter of the building. There are two stalls. One is the handicapped stall and has plenty of room to move. The other shouldn't really have been a stall at all. When I sit down, one leg is jammed against the toilet paper dispenser and the other is pressed against the wall. How, exactly, am I supposed to wipe my rear? And I'm certainly not the heaviest person around, either.

Strangers & advice; disability; mental health

2008-08-08T00:51:00.004-05:00

There are times when comments from random people seem to be rather innocent. However, as a fat woman - as well as a fat woman with a physical disability - quite often the "advice" I get may be intentioned as innocent comes across much differently.

Sometimes, the delivery is the problem. The bus driver who insisted that "dropping poundage" would all but solve my chronic back pain definitely didn't deliver it in a way that was helpful. In fact, it was rather hurtful and angering. It was rude - the cause of my back pain is not the business of some random stranger! It's bad enough that members of my family, or those in my small circle of friends, sometimes try to give the same kind of advice. A stranger inserting himself into my personal life is just ten times worse, especially when I haven't invited it in any way, shape or form - other than by existing in his periphery.

Of course, there are also individuals who you have a passing acquaintanceship with who seem to know more than you do about a condition that you've had most of your life. Okay, so that is generalizing - not all fat adults were fat children - I wasn't, despite my mother's belief that she needed to slim me down with diets at age 6 (I was already slim). The saleslady you've purchased items from before makes a random comment about how this fabulous crash diet worked for her sister's friend's daughter - surely it could work for you! Nevermind that perhaps you're comfortable with your weight - and healthy! Yes, you can be fat and fit. Despite my medical problems and my weight, my cholesterol is below normal and my blood pressure is perfect. Even though my legs hurt and swell almost every day, I can still walk up a flight of stairs without getting short of breath. Take your crash diets and shove them where the sun doesn't shine.

As much as my doctor may not be a "stranger" in the literal sense of the term, seeing as he's seen my hoo-hah more than anyone else in the last three years, I still don't welcome the random suggestions of weight control. Unless I bring up the issue of being 100lbs overweight, or there is some immediate severe health concern, please keep your trap shut. I've said it before, I'll say it again - I know I'm fat, that's not a surprise. Yes, I know I'm more likely to develop diabetes, high blood pressure & heart disease when I weigh what I do. Considering that I can still run when I need to without passing out, I'm not terribly concerned about dropping mass amounts of weight right now. I have plenty of other things to worry about that are likely to bring an end to my life sooner - like my fragile mental health.

I've been shouted at by people on the street for being fat. However, that doesn't bother me nearly as much as someone whispering when I, a young woman, walk by with a cane. I'm not using one because I'm fat - that's a common thing I hear - I'm using one because I have a physical disability that requires it.

The stigma we carry as fat people in a nation driven to more extreme thinness is heavy. The stigma I carry as a disabled person who happens to be fat is heavier. What weighs me down more than the extra fat around my middle, though, is the stigma carried because I'm fat, disabled and mentally ill. My legs look normal - you can't see the pinched nerve in my back that has reduced strength and control in my left leg, but it's there. You may "understand" the terms depression and post traumatic stress disorder, but you can't see it. You may instead see someone who is "lazy", "unmotivated", "stupid", "weak" or even "hypochondriac".

Depression is a medical disorder that requires treatment - therapy (inpatient or outpatient); medication and, sometimes, more drastic measures - to be managed. Depression is not something I, or anyone else suffering with it, can turn off or on, so the suggestion to "get over it" or to "snap out of it" is not only ignorant, but hurtful. I wish there was a switch inside of me that I could turn to off!

Post traumatic stress disorder is not a figment of the imagination. It is a real cluster of physical, emotional and mental symptoms that impair a person from leading a normal, healthy life. This, too, requires medical treatment to manage it.

Just because you can't see the disability doesn't mean it doesn't exist. Fibromyalgia is very real, very debilitating and very, very hard to cope with every day. Chronic fatigue syndrome is not the cry of an extremely lazy person looking for sympathy. Just because you don't have it, don't understand it or are skeptical doesn't mean it isn't real. It is.

I'm not asking you to hand-hold those who are fat, or disabled, and in your periphery. We don't need to be treated with kid gloves. All I'm asking you to do is respect those who are fat or disabled and are in your periphery. I get that perhaps seeing someone fat isn't the highlight of your day, but making sounds like a pig makes you look worse than me. Seeing someone with a disability can be discomfiting, but whispering or staring definitely doesn't do anyone any good. Offering uneducated, so-called "caring" suggestions to "fixing" what you perceive as wrong in another person is beyond rude. It can be damaging on many levels, not to mention infuriating. That a stranger would have the balls to suggest someone lose weight - or what a disabled person can do to be "fixed" - is something I still boggle at.

Sometimes, I feel like replying to the random parade of stupid people suggesting how I should lose weight with the ever-so-childish: I may be fat, but you're ugly. At least I can lose weight! However, despite the grade-two giggle I get from that, it is grossly untrue. Not every fat person can - or wants to - lose weight.

Self-image, self-esteem & emotions

2008-08-06T13:37:00.007-05:00

I'm nearing the end of the group therapy I've been in for four months and, in the past couple of weeks or so (probably closer to a month, actually, since I started "TV Group"), my self-image & self-esteem issues have come more clearly into focus.

In December, I weighed in at a whopping 310lbs, something I've never admitted to anyone but myself. When I had my physical in June, I had dropped almost 60lbs exactly, weighing in at just over 250.5lbs. I keep saying I'd like to post some full-body pictures, so I have taken a couple over the last week.

So, here I am, at 5'5" tall and 250.5lbs. I wear anything from a size 18 to a size 24, depending on the make. The pants in the second photo are a size 18 - and yet, they fit me perfectly.

The 60 pound drop occurred quickly, with the first 30-35lbs being lost between January 15 and February 28. The last pounds fell away between March and June. I was not making a concerted effort to lose weight and in fact, I was concerned with the speed at which I was losing it. It seems that, just as my emotional eating played into the initial weight gain that took me to 310lbs, my emotional strain also played a huge factor in the rapid weight loss.

Now that the background is out of the way, let me address the title of this post. In the group I'm in, we've recently had an activity that involved looking into a full-length mirror and saying what we liked or disliked about ourselves and, of course, how we felt about our image.

I have been so wrapped up in putting on a mask so people don't see how tired I really am, or how sad, that I completely avoided thinking about how I actually feel when I look at myself. I didn't clue in to the fact that I don't even do my makeup in anything bigger than a hand mirror - and I don't even style my hair in front of one. I don't get panicky or sick as some people do when looking in a mirror - in fact, I don't feel much of anything beyond a numb sensation. I can say I genuinely like my eyes and sometimes my hair, but that's about it. I don't like the way my mouth is down turned naturally, making it seem as if I'm always sad. I don't like my flabby arms, my pale skin, my freckles, my saggy breasts or my round face. I used to like my legs, but since I've had so many issues with them, I'd almost rather lose them to amputation.

This activity took place on a Tuesday. On Thursday, I went and got my hair cut, something I haven't done in almost a year - I kept saying I don't have the money. Considering I'm signing bankruptcy papers on Friday, I'd say doing it now wasn't the most fiscally responsible decision, but it's done.

It's so much easier to hate myself when I look in a mirror and tell myself I'm fat and ugly. Or that I'm disgusting and it's no surprise I'm single. It's also easier to look in a mirror larger than a compact mirror when my makeup is done (perfectly) and my hair is done (also perfectly). I won't even run to the corner store in my sloppy house-shorts & a tank top, wearing a hat to cover my unwashed bed-head to buy pain medication, or cat food, or anything. It's amazing that I go out to check the mail dressed that way.

On Thursday, the same day I got a haircut and actually made a bigger effort than usual when getting dressed for group, I had "TV Group". This is exactly what it sounds like, we sit in a room and get filmed for 20 minutes, after which we have to watch ourselves and get feedback/give comments on how we feel we appeared.

This. Is. Torturous.

The first week, I realized how big I actually am and how much the natural way my mouth turns down at the corners is noticeable.

The second week, I realized how much I hated my hair when it was pulled back from my face. I noticed how fat my face looked.

The third week, it hit home again how big I am.

Last week, with the haircut, and the extra effort on makeup (I generally dress in the same way every day, unless I'm playing volleyball or doing aerobics), I still noticed my fat face, my flabby arms, my "sad" mouth, and my round belly (which, granted, was somewhat camouflaged by the print on my shirt). However, two other members gave me very high praise - one told me straight how hot I looked; the other said I was very attractive. Several other people commented later along the same lines.

The compliments make my stomach squirm. I don't know how to accept that other people find me attractive (at times) despite how fat I am - and despite how much I hate myself and how I look. It distresses me that I look like my mother so much.

My weight is a shield against physical harm from others, despite the intellectual knowledge that just because I'm fat doesn't mean that I'm at less risk of being sexually or physically assaulted. I am not necessarily happy weighing 250lbs, but for some reason, I've got such an emotional block in place that I rarely, if ever in the last year and a half, see below 240lbs on the scale. While there is certainly no peace in weighing this much, there seems to be some kind of illogical security. While I attempt to hide how many bags are under my eyes from lack of sleep, or how pale I am because I haven't been eating properly, with makeup, there's only so much I can do with what I wear. Most clothing I wear these days doesn't fit quite right - too big or too small - and I don't really feel quite myself in them. I want to portray someone who is confident when I can't even look at myself in the mirror.

The fact that I'm holding on to weight for "security" purposes - I feel very sad and angry about that. The fact that my weight is such an issue for other members of my family? That definitely makes me feel angry. When I had evident eating issues as a child and a teenager, it was deemed that there was nothing wrong with me, it was nothing but a phase. Somehow, 18 years later, I'm still struggling with weight - and it's still not considered anything but a phase. I'm still not perfect enough for some members of my family - and definitely not for myself. If I didn't somehow, erratically, feel safer being fat, I think I'd still struggle with never being thin enough, never pretty enough.

I have seen women I consider beautiful and slender break down doing the exercise in front of the mirror. Just because you're skinny or average doesn't mean you're automatically happy with how you look. Emotions play a huge part in how we view ourselves - and personally, I've found that the more I try to alter how I look, the easier it is to ignore how I feel.

If I stay fat, I feel safer - but I hate myself even more.

Food and body image, part one million and two

2008-08-05T14:20:00.000-05:00

I used to work in downtown DC and there was a Starbucks on the ground floor of my building. I'm not much of a coffee drinker, but I do like their sweet drinks, so once a week or so I'd grab a frappuccino or a mochawhatever. I haven't been since I was laid off from that job in March, but R. was talking about Starbucks last night and I started craving a frappuccino to offset the miserable hot humid weather we're having.

I needed to go to Target today to get some cleaners so I can actually use the bathtub in our new townhouse, so it made sense to grab some lunch while I was out. I was really still craving a frappuccino, though, so I stopped and got one. As I came out of the store, I noticed a Five Guys restaurant right next door. I've never been into one, and the food's supposed to be good (if greasy), so hey, looks like I've found lunch!

Except maybe not. I already had a calorie-loaded drink in hand, and I just couldn't force myself to walk past the guys hanging around at the front door, through the crowd in the restaurant, and up to the counter to order a greasy lunch to go with the drink. Couldn't do it.

Was it any of those people's business what I had for lunch? Of course not. Was the social pressure still too much? You bet.

Who profits when you diet?

2008-07-30T12:00:00.000-05:00

In no particular order:

Advertisers
Diet food manufacturers and retailers
Magazines ("lose 400 pounds in three days!")
Newspapers (advertising, scare stories that drive ratings up)
Television industry (advertising, scare stories that drive ratings up)
Doctors
Personal trainers
Gyms
Diet and self-help authors
Fat camps and other "save the children" schemes
Clothing manufacturers and retailers (when you throw away all your "fat" clothing, buy "skinny" clothes, then have to buy "fat" clothes again)
Supplement manufacturers and retailers

It's scary how many people have a vested interest in making me feel bad the way I am, and how few incentives there are for them to be honest. In fact, the more they convince me to do things that are bad for my physical and mental health, the more money they make. Isn't that interesting?

A thankfully brief brush with colossal stupidity (well, two brushes)

2008-07-09T15:55:00.002-05:00

In case you need reminding, due to some nerve issues, I walk with a cane. This is important for the first brush with colossal stupidity.

I got on the bus after stopping at Safeway for some bread and fruit and the bus driver told me to sit anywhere but in the seats specifically meant for those with reduced mobility. Seeing as it was a short trip to the depot, I complied. At the depot, he didn't even stop anywhere near a curb and I almost fell getting off.

That was the end of the stupidity, or so I thought.

The second bus I got on is the one that takes me home. The driver is one I'm somewhat familiar with. He doesn't speak great English, but is fairly friendly. Despite the fact that it's none of his business, he asked why I use a cane. I gave the short answer, mostly because I'm used to the rudeness of strangers - I have a pinched nerve. This led into a long, detailed description of his back pain and what he did to fix it. I sat through it politely - at least until he said the following: "You know, you just need to drop poundage and you'll be fine."

"Excuse me?" No, really, what the hell did you just say?

"You know what I mean, drop poundage!"

"You mean I need to lose weight?"

"Yeah! Then you won't need the cane!"

"For your information, I have medical problems that make it very difficult to lose weight."

Repeat this at least three times. He finally gave up saying anything to me when he realized I might hit him in the head with my cane.

Seriously, what gives total strangers, especially those who are laymen, the right to tell me that losing weight will make things "all better"? My doctors haven't even said that (at least, not since the ObGyn who refused to even look at me while giving me a followup to my surgery)! The neurologist I saw today didn't say one word about how heavy I am.

But apparently, a bus driver knows better!

it's such a relief to have clothes that fit

2008-07-09T09:51:00.001-05:00

We're moving at the end of the month (we've bought a townhouse!), and as I've been sorting through things I've also been discarding any clothes I can't wear. I'm generally pretty good about not keeping around unwearable clothes, since I've never really had the storage space to do it. There were still a couple of things that needed to go, though, including a nice snuggly robe that my mother thought I'd left at her house. It wasn't mine, and we have no idea whose it might have been, but I kept it because it was so soft and comfy. Unfortunately, it's an 18, and I wear a 24, so it never fit all that well, but it kept hanging around.

My lovely co-blogger Heather is taking both the robe and a pair of pretty brown sandals that never really fit me, so I'll be sending those off to Canada soon. Yay!

Speaking of shoes, I haven't had a decent pair of casual dress sandals in years. I have wonderful, comfortable, sturdy Columbia summer sandals, but they're really meant for wading in creeks rather than sitting at desks (and they look it). I have two beautiful pairs of black strappy dress sandals I bought at the Pentagon City Mall, but they're both high-heeled and very dressy. I couldn't seem to find a single pair of sandals that were both comfortable and mildly dressy, so the brown sandals I talked about above kept hanging around, giving me sores on the sides of my feet every time I wore them (for the 30 minutes before I took them off and limped around barefoot the rest of the day).

In an act of surpassing grace, I managed to lock myself out of the apartment the other day after work. Rather than wait outside for an hour until hubby got home to let me in, I gave up and headed for DSW Shoes. I love that store for the sheer volume of shoes they have around: there's always something that fits.

I tried on and discarded about twenty pairs of shoes, but I finally found exactly what I was looking for. On previous visits I've been willing to take something cute that sort-of fit, but with the newfound confidence that comes from refusing to buy clothes that don't fit (because it's the fabric's fault it doesn't fit me, not my body's), I kept trying on things until I found the ones that were just right.

I bought two pairs of shoes: the SoftSpots Mischa and the Bare Traps Charis, both in black. As an unexpected bonus, the low heel on the Charis makes it perfect for driving. Both pairs work well for my new workplace, which is more formal than my last one (my scuffed-up Skechers Mary Janes weren't cutting it).

I even went through my undies drawer this week and threw away everything that didn't fit right (boyshorts, sigh, how I wish I could wear thee without wedgies) or was worn out or had holes (thank you, ridiculously cheaply made Lane Bryant panties). I gave away a bunch of non-fitting brand new bras earlier this year.

Every piece of clothing I'm taking to the new house fits, looks good on me, and is (at least somewhat) comfortable. I'm pretty proud of that.

Poor and Fat

2008-07-05T00:30:00.000-05:00

I have been working in office administration, typically specialized duties, for over 12 years and I barely make enough to survive on. So when someone who is boastful about how she doesn't even know how much she makes, she just spends her husband's money anyway looks down her nose at my purchase of fast food, I want to scream.

I'm having more turmoil in my life that revolves around money - I can't hold down a second job because of my as yet undiagnosed health problems and I haven't been able to find a new roommate that I feel comfortable living with, so I try to manage on my own. Also, because I'm experiencing so much pain and difficulty with standing, I haven't been preparing meals at home nearly as much as I'd like. So that leaves me scrounging for change in my purse to buy perhaps the only food I'll have all day. If that offends your sensibilities (you, who actually ingests diet aids, like slimfast, on a regular basis), please, keep your trap shut and don't look at what is in my hands.

The day I make enough money to not have to decide whether I can buy groceries and pay rent, or get groceries and a bus pass, then perhaps I won't be so pissed off when you comment on my eating habits. Jenny Craig may work for you, but even you have said that you'd likely do better if you prepared food you bought instead of ingesting the crap they sell you.

I've been lucky (though it doesn't seem like luck) enough to figure out that I'm fat because I have emotional and mental health issues, not the other way around. I'm also lucky that I don't look like I weigh 250lbs. Even given that, though, I still deal with a lot of issues that surround most fat people.

From doctors: You're sick and have severe leg pain/hot flashes/chest pain because you're obese. You're fat because you're lazy. You're fat because you can't control your eating. Hell, you're depressed because you're fat!

From random people: You're fat because, OMG, you're drinking pop! Don't you know that even the diet stuff will make you gain weight? You're worthless because you're fat, I can't believe you're in public where people can see you. No wonder you're single, fatty fat fat fat!!

From family: You'd look so much better if you just lost a little weight. You'd be happier and get further in life if you dropped about fifty pounds. No, really! Everyone knows you don't get promoted when you're a fat woman. Obviously your intelligence is dulled by the fat cells in your brain. Fatty!

Even from myself I hear a lot of these same things.

I've been living on 2/3 of my regular pay since April as I've been on disability. Even though I have more time to cook healthier things, I have found myself in the bind of "do I pay rent on time or ask if they can hold it a week so I can buy fresh vegetables & meat?" every month since then. I can't eat a lot of pasta, which is a definite cheap meal, or other grains because I get severe stomach cramps if I do. Rice? Okay in small portions. Frozen and canned foods are all well and good, but I've yet to find iron rich things like Swiss chard in a can. Some nutrients are bound to be lost in the freezing and canning processes - and you lose even more in cooking them. Besides, it's summertime, I want to take advantage of this and buy fresh produce. I search the meat department for the 30% or 50% off packages and freeze them, but even those are proving harder to find. I bake my own bread - it is generally cheaper - but with one person in the house, it's difficult to eat a loaf before it gets moldy, even if kept in the fridge.

So please, stop telling me, someone on a very tight budget, to eat more fresh foods. It's not always possible - the discount places often sell produce that's on the verge of spoiling, so the deal isn't as good as initially thought.

The chowder I made the other day was more filling than a Hungry Man 1lb lasagna meal - I had one cup, if that, of it and was full for the afternoon. However, the cost of the scallops (a splurge with some extra money I'd saved up) and the chicken outweigh the cost of a 1lb lasagna meal in a box and popped in the microwave to cook. Would I rather eat home-made meals? Absolutely. Can I really afford to? Not always. So occasionally, you'll see me, fat and limping, eating a burger from McDonald's because that's perhaps what I can do to get some iron into my system when I'm shaky.

2008-07-02T14:17:00.001-05:00

An online friend of mine has been dieting and is currently in the "still dieting, but no longer losing weight" stage. She got right to the edge of her natural weight range, with a loss of around 40 pounds.

Like most dieters, she's frustrated, angry, and feels like a failure. No matter how little she eats or much she exercises, she just can't lose any more.

I've been there, so I'm familiar with how awful it feels for the entire world to tell you "you're a big fat failure because you can't be bothered to even try" when you're doing all that's humanly possible. I feel so bad for her.

The last time she posted about it, I tried to reassure her that it's not her fault and introduce her to the concept of health at every size. She didn't reply, so I hope I didn't offend her, but I couldn't just stand there and watch her beat herself up.

Food as a Reward

2008-06-30T09:00:00.000-05:00

My employer gave me a BlackBerry, so I can now surf the interwebs from just about anywhere. Yay!

I'm currently sitting in my car waiting for R. to meet me for supper. There's a Dairy Queen in this strip mall, and a woman and her little boy, dressed in a karate uniform, came out a few minutes ago. The little boy was obviously enjoying his ice cream cone, and out of the blue I thought "that mother shouldn't be using food as a reward! How unhealthy."

Obviously it's none of my business what she does, but beyond that, just whoa. An ice cream cone isn't going to hurt that boy any, and why shouldn't he have something he enjoys, reward or no?

Why are we as a country so obsessed with not enjoying things, anyhow? We're not supposed to "indulge" in physical activity we enjoy unless it's the "right" kind, which generally involves a lot of money and not much pleasure. We're definitely not supposed to enjoy our food.

That whole thought process is straight out of the dieting mindset. If one were to use food as a reward, one might enjoy it, and that would lead directly to the fall of mankind and/or gaining 500 pounds instantaneously. And if you use food as a reward, you might think of it as a joyful, life-giving substance rather than a necessary evil to be hated and feared.

We've connected indulgence to moral wrong in so many ways. Indulgence is generally not thought of as a simple pleasure, sure, but when did it become a moral wrong?

Think about the most indulgent food you can. Is it chocolate? A gooey dessert? My first thought was fresh fruit. I can get chocolate and gooey desserts any time, but fruit is expensive, only really good in season, and goes bad quickly. We're taught that fruit is a Daily Necessity, that you should just be magically able to get blueberries for your cereal every morning just like that diet plan's pretty pictures. Fresh fruit, particularly the Basic Diet Foods that Look Good in Photos like blueberries and raspberries, is extremely expensive.

Sure, there's frozen fruit all year round, but there are limits to frozen fruit's usefulness. It's just another way of separating those who can go on these insane restrictive - and yet incredibly indulgent, in terms of money and leisure time - from those who can't.

Score one for the doctor

2008-06-28T00:51:00.002-05:00

My new general practitioner wins the award for the most compassionate doctor I've ever had.

I had a physical yesterday, something I normally dread for a couple of reasons. One, I have to step on a scale - I don't own a scale, so this is the only time I ever see the numbers. Two, I have to get a gynecological exam, but that is quite another topic for another forum.

After he checked out my knee and deemed it sprained from a simple up-and-down jump in volleyball, he helped me up and led me to the scale. I told him I have metabolic syndrome - which makes losing weight a challenge - on top of being on birth control for almost ten years; he knows I have chronic pain. When the numbers popped up - just over 250lbs - he didn't say a word. And he agreed that my health problems make losing weight a definite challenge.

He deemed my blood pressure to be low-normal (typical for me) and everything else, save for reproductive issues I've been plagued with for years, to be fine. I'm actually excited to have a competent doctor!

Coming up, appointments with a neurologist to do nerve conductivity testing (there's suspicion I've got some kind of neuropathy going on, possibly ALS) and a trip back to the "enlightened" (read: female doctor who can't stand to look at her female patients when talking to them; tells patients with reproductive issues to lose weight if they are even 10lbs overweight; won't do testing before prescribing incredibly strong medication to induce menopause in a 26 year old woman) obgyn who diagnosed me with and treated me for endometriosis in 2004. I'm looking more forward to having needle-electrodes stuck into my legs and having current run through them than to seeing this ObGyn.

So yes, fun times indeed.

I have another post planned on a few main-stream movies that have chosen to make fat women the butt of many jokes that are highly un-funny and highly prejudicial. Why yes, they really got my goat!

PS: If you are seeking a competent doctor in the Edmonton, AB area, please contact me. He is currently taking new patients and worth the trek (he's in the northeast area, Dickinsfield).

Fat people and doctors (again)

2008-06-13T21:38:00.002-05:00

I have recently switched doctors after realizing the one I was seeing was not only an unprofessional idiot, he wasn't competent enough to take care of my medical needs. Being humoured by a medical professional just so you'll get out of their office isn't effective in managing the types of medical problems I have.

For the record, I am 5'5" tall and weigh approximately 250lbs. This gives me a BMI of 41.5 (I do realize that for the most part, BMI numbers are a bunch of hooey designed to frighten the public about not being thin enough), but I do not in any way appear obese. I appear slightly overweight, but certainly not grossly obese. I do hope to get some pictures taken to illustrate this fact soon.

Most doctors I have seen for whatever reason have weighed me and then commented on how I "need" to lose at least 100lbs, possibly more. However, until they weigh me, they never comment on my weight, size or jiggly bits. I'm sure you can imagine the conflicting messages that sends me. Can they really only tell I'm "obese" when I step on a scale or are they afraid of offending me if they say something before they weigh me?

Newsflash: I've been living in this body for 30 years. This body has been fat for at least 15 of those years. I'd have to be blind or have a totally warped self-image not to know I'm fat. I haven't been able to shop in "average" sizes in at least ten years; I can't even buy a bra in a store that doesn't cater to "plus-sized" people. I have been the victim of fat-hatred in public on the days I feel like wearing a skirt or dress that falls above the knees or the days I don't fully conceal the roll over the band of my bra. I have been embarrassed to appear in public in a bathing suit or shorts that are more shorts than pedal-pushers. I can't wear a dress or skirt without having long-legged tummy control shorts on. So please trust me, I know I'm fat. If you are a medical professional, you would hopefully be able to talk to me about this fact without fear (which is far more common than I'd ever imagined), condescension, frustration or insults.

The fact that I'm fat has very little to do with the fact that I suffer from depression. It also has little to do with the fact that I have back pain. I'm not depressed because I'm fat - I'm depressed because I have a history of abuse and suffer from PTSD. I don't have back pain because I'm fat - I have back pain because I have a nerve that's been compressed for nearly twenty years. I'm fat because these factors are but two in a myriad of things that have affected my ability to exercise without severe pain; my ability to monitor my eating (I have a diagnosed eating disorder); my ability to eat without feeling ill (gastro-intestinal problems related to PTSD and stressors). I suffer from anemia which causes extreme fatigue some days. I have chronic pain which is related to PTSD as well. I have been on medications in the past that have caused massive weight gain and have struggled to lose the weight once I've stopped the medications. I have been on birth control, a notorious weight-gain medication, continuously for almost 7 years to control endometriosis.

I'm not fat because I choose to be - but I can choose to accept the body that I have. I can choose to be proud of how good I look in a dress because I have great legs. I can choose to be proud of the hourglass figure I have. I know that I look healthier with meat on my bones than I ever did when I was my "medically ideal weight".

I have just seen my new doctor for the first time. The man is charming and up-front. In two weeks, I see him for a full physical and I hope that he is just as up-front about any concerns he has regarding my weight - and when I talk to him frankly about why I've put on so much weight, I hope he listens.

New Tops from Avenue

2008-06-10T11:42:00.000-05:00

I ordered some new tops from Avenue a few weeks ago after realizing they didn't have most of their cute website things actually in the store. Shipping was really expensive for three shirts, and two of them weren't in stock and had to be shipped later.

One item, a cream-colored shell, was something I tried on in the store and later decided to buy, so I'm assuming it will fit. The other two, while adorable, were much too tight in the hips and too loose in the shoulders. Back they go. Ah well.

Seeing Fat People as...People

2008-06-02T18:25:00.004-05:00

I was going to title this post "overcoming aesthetic barriers in attraction and desire" but then realized that what I have to say today is only a tiny, tiny little piece of that huge topic. The rest can wait for another day.

I've been following the Adipositivity Project (NSFW) for a while now. I'm a photography enthusiast with an interest in portraiture for larger people, and Leonard Nimoy's work is a bit too ivory tower for me. Jones' work is not only fantastic portraiture, but captures people in a way that's very real. Her subjects are both practical - for the most part, she avoids boudoir photography - and abstract, with each curve presented like a brush stroke.

When I first saw her work, I wasn't particularly interested in it beyond appreciating her skill. The photos didn't appeal to me aesthetically at all. The posts kept coming up on the Fatosphere RSS feed, though, so I kept clicking, thinking "oh, that's nice" and moving right along.

About that time, someone (unfortunately I can't remember who) on the feed did a wonderful post on how media and social presentation have a huge effect on what body types we're attracted to. Now, I think my husband, who's also fat, is drop dead sexy, but in general I don't find fat people aesthetically pleasing or desirable. Now, why would that be? I don't have a whole lot of media exposure since I don't watch TV, but I look at lots and lots of photos, and the rest seeps in around the edges. I'm surrounded by thin, white body types, even though that type is rare in real life, and told that that type is ideal. No wonder I like to look at thin bodies more than fat ones!

I'm really irritated that I've been manipulated this way despite my relatively low media exposure. Not all of my tendencies are the product of manipulation: I would agree that people are attracted to certain body types (although I would strongly disagree that that is evolutionary or hardwired!), and we as humans tend to want to look at what is considered "beautiful." Beautiful is just defined as thin right now, so we're drenched in this constant message that thinner is better.

So lately I've been taking steps to counteract the message. Rather than let my eyes skim right over the woman in the supermarket or the man on the sidewalk, I'm appreciating how they look as well. Not staring, obviously, but not pretending they don't exist. It's amazing how normal people who are, well, normal start to look when you actually look at them and not whatever airbrushed body happens to be on the magazine covers this month.

Today I clicked over to the latest Adipositivity post and my first instinct was to right-click on that photo and add it to my collection. I'm a very visual person, so I have a huge archive of photos squirreled away from all different corners of the web. Art inspiration, cute animals, pretty landscapes, funky wallpapers, you name it, it's all in there. Oh, and portraiture too. This is the first time I've ever been truly motivated to add a fat person's photo to the portraiture folder.

It's a small step, but it's a start.

Things I've learned in therapy

2008-06-01T23:51:00.002-05:00

Because the program I'm in has an aerobics and a volleyball component, I've learned that I'm not as out of shape as I thought I was. Yay!

Because of some of the things I've talked about in group, I've learned that probably at least half of my body image issues were my mother's issues first. When I had less contact with my mother than I do now, I was much more comfortable in my own skin. Since I've started building a relationship with her, since she started asking if the man I was seeing at the time knew that I'd gained x amount of weight and if he still wanted to be with me, I've become much more fearful of how bad I might look, clothed or unclothed.

Because of the introspection portion of therapy, I've learned I am so careful to apply makeup and dress nicely (I don't even own sweatpants!) every time I leave the house because I'm certain if I didn't, I'd look horrible. I change my look - hair colour, makeup, clothing style - because I'm definitely not sure of how I really look to other people. I also know that I'm trying to hide who I really am.

There's much more I've learned in therapy, but those parts don't apply to this blog. I do know that my diagnoses do have something to do with my eating problems and, in line with that, my weight problems. I was diagnosed definitively with Post Traumatic Stress Disorder, Borderline Personality Disorder and Eating Disorder (Not Otherwise Specified - basically a binge-eating disorder). I believe I'm so resistant to staying active because part of me believes being fat will keep me safer.

a whole lot of woman

2008-05-28T06:00:00.001-05:00

R. heard Mika's "Big Girl, You are Beautiful" for the first time the other day and quite logically pointed out that "no one is actually four times as big as a skinny girl."

Me: Sure there are. I'm easily twice the size of [thin friend].
R: But...four?
Me: It's artistic license, sweetheart. Saying "multiply her by 1.335628 probably wouldn't have fit in the song."

Hee.

Although has anyone else noticed that the guy is at least a half step flat before the music comes in? That's painful.

I realize that the plural of anecdote is not "data"...

2008-05-21T10:31:00.000-05:00

But my new co-worker doesn't cook. Neither does her husband. They eat out pretty much every night, and she's a size 0 or 2. She cheerfully says that it has to be genetic.

I can already hear the fat-haters starting the shame machine: She must get more exercise! She must carefully choose the healthiest options when she eats out! She must be inherently better and stronger and have better morals!

Give me a break, because I'm not buying it.

Observations on Clothing

2008-05-06T09:42:00.000-05:00

It's finally getting nice and warm here in DC, so last weekend I pulled all my warm-weather clothes out of the trunk where they were stored all winter. I have many more warm-weather outfits than cold-weather because I hate winter and don't even want to think about it, nonetheless buy clothes for it. Getting my summer clothes out of storage is always a big deal for me, because it means a) that summer is here and b) I'll actually have decent clothes to wear.

Last fall, I found some pretty tops on sale at Dress Barn. It was too cold by that point to wear them, so I packed them away with the rest of the summer clothes, tags and all. This week is the first time I've gotten to wear them.

Most of these tops are the type of V-necks where the two halves aren't attached at the bust, leaving you hanging open if the shirt doesn't fit just right. These particular ones fit fine, so no worries there, but the one I wore yesterday was nonetheless a little lower cut than I thought it was in the store. I wore it to work the other day and spent half my time tugging it up or looking in the bathroom mirror as I walked by and worrying that the neckline was too low.

Don't get me wrong, I wasn't hanging out or anything. In fact, the small amount of cleavage probably wasn't even noticeable. It's the first remotely cleavage-y shirt I've ever worn to work, though, and I was pretty uncomfortable showing that much skin. The lines between "frumpy" and "work-appropriate" and "whore" are so unclear that I have no idea whether I really was dressed appropriately or not.

I started this job last week. One of the other women in the orientation with me had come straight out of the military and was more than a little freaked out by the civilian world. This woman is about my size and built like a brick linebacker, so the deck was stacked against her - not only did she have to figure out what's "appropriate" for women in a given business environment, she was limited to plus-size clothing. She said she'd frantically researched "business dress" online and that she really envied men, whose business dress is so like a uniform that they never have to worry about what's appropriate.

That would be so nice: to be able to choose from a reasonable variety of clothing without stressing out. To know that people aren't making value judgments about me based on my clothing choices on any given day. To know that my clothing choices aren't going to be automatically frumpy or slutty simply because I'm not an average size or height.

I'm not even sure where I'm going with this. Just pondering clothing, I guess.

but what if I eat the world?

2008-04-08T13:40:00.000-05:00

Remember M., of the Luna bar and yogurt for lunch? In our brief discussion about intuitive eating, she brought up a doubt that's been sort of lurking in the back of my head as well.

When I told her that I've been following a new concept called intuitive eating, where you eat what you want and stop when you're full, she looked mildly horrified and said, "I could never do that." Why? Because "all I'd ever eat is donuts."

I further explained that once I got over the initial "omg gotta eat junk food" phase, my body balanced out and it tends to want healthy things as much as it does junk food. I just have to listen to it. "Yeah, but all I'd ever crave is junk food," she insisted. "I wouldn't ever eat anything healthy at all."

I didn't really have a reply for that, so I let it drop. I'm not exactly the healthiest eater in the world anyhow (health being defined as the more veggies the better, the more whole foods the better). I'm pretty sure M. would discover, once she got through the donut phase, that her body's needs would balance and tend towards healthy foods, but she's got a point. Is there a difference between intuitive eating and eating anything you want?

For example, say I'm at Ruby Tuesday's. I'm not craving any foods and don't want anything in particular, so I end up getting the biggest, greasiest entree they have. The next day I'm craving a salad for lunch, so I get one, but for dinner my body isn't telling me anything so I end up with another huge, greasy meal.

If you follow your body when it's speaking to you, good, but what if it's not? Mine has steered me pretty well so far when it actually feels like something in particular (or even a category of foods), but when it's not, I tend to go for really unhealthy foods simply because they taste good.

So what happens in that portion of the time when I'm on my own, no bodily input forthcoming, for food? Should I feel guilty because I prefer unhealthy foods in that space? What if, like M., all I ever wanted to eat was donuts?

equating health with morality

2008-04-01T09:29:00.003-05:00

Sometime during my dieting phase I subscribed to Health magazine. Unfortunately it's a lot less health and a lot more "diet! diet! buy! buy! buy!", but since I paid for it I figure I should flip through the issues until they stop sending them.

In the latest issue there's a pharmaceutical ad featuring a man sitting at a table with a halo (conveniently part of the brand name medicine's logo as well) over his head. Why is this man angelic? Because he "chose a salad" that day and "talked to his doctor about his diabetes," presumably so he could get the medicine in the ad.

So does this mean that if I go to the doctor for help with my falling arches, I get a halo too? Or is the halo reserved for people who buy brand name medications?

DDR Evolution

2008-03-15T17:24:00.000-05:00

In 2000 or so, I hung out in my boyfriend’s apartment and watched his roommate play this crazy new game called Dance Dance Revolution. It was an arcade game, but you could buy a special game pad to hook up to your Playstation and play it at home. Bouncy music played while arrows scrolled up the screen, and you had to hit the matching arrows on the gamepad with your feet in coordination with the music and on-screen arrows.

You couldn’t even buy it in the States; the roomie’s long-distance girlfriend had shipped it to him from Japan. It looked like a lot of fun, but no way was I going to get up and attempt to dance in front of other people. Forget it.

I wasn’t always ashamed of dancing in public. I was in ballet as a kid, and in various theatre and stage productions all through school. The first time I was ever actually ashamed of my body was during a high school choral production that had some basic choreography. I didn’t have a good bra, and I bounced terribly the entire time. It was horribly embarrassing - I haven’t voluntarily danced in public since.

In college, I avoided gym and sports activities as much as possible. Some really bad P.E. experiences in school, plus the fat I acquired at puberty, made me much too self-conscious to exercise publicly. I hiked and went for walks, but not much else. Once I tried to play racquetball with a few friends at the college gym and had my one and only panic attack just from being in a gym environment. Me? Issues? Nah.

DDR did make its way to the States, of course, and was a huge fad for a few years. What drew me back to DDR was the new “workout” mode, which keeps track of your calories burnt and playing record, and lets you set calorie “goals” to meet. I was just beginning my dieting phase, so cardio I could do at home, in private, with no cheesy workout videos, sounded perfect.

So I got the dance pad and started using it for workouts. At first I could only do the baby steps, and a song that took five or six calories (by the game’s standardized count) to complete left me panting and exhausted. It was fun, though, so I stuck with it. I drew the vertical blinds in the living room and made sure the door was shut, and wouldn’t even let my husband (who used to be the boyfriend) see me play.

I’ve been playing on and off ever since, and getting better and better at it. When I started my calorie goal was around 50; now it’s at 150. When it started to get cold last fall, though, I stopped playing. I don’t handle winter very well, and it makes me lethargic and makes me want to hibernate, so I don’t exercise much.

Spring is just around the corner for us now, though, so I pulled the DDR pad out from under the entertainment center last night and played for the first time in months. This is the first time I’ve played since I discovered fat acceptance. I left the blinds open without even thinking about it, and it didn’t even occur to me to check whether anyone else was in the room with me. My body remembered the moves, and I’m actually better at it than when I stopped playing last fall.

Next time? I’m going to choose the regular mode for the first time, instead of the workout mode, and play because I can, not because I feel like I have to. And I’ll continue to leave the blinds open because I am no longer ashamed of my body or its movement.

Intuitive eating in the real world

2008-03-11T13:02:00.000-05:00

I’ve been thinking a lot about Health at Every Size lately, mainly intuitive eating.

I have this co-worker. We’ll call her M. She’s new, and I like her a lot. She’s been sitting at the desk next to me for a few weeks. She is very thin.

Today another co-worker and I were heading out to get lunch and asked M. if she wanted to go along. M. said she’d already eaten, and I blinked, because she was sitting right there and I hadn’t seen her eating anything.

It turns out that she ate one of those small cups of yogurt and a Luna bar for lunch. In fact, that’s what she normally eats for lunch. I talked with her about it for a bit and apparently she’s afraid she’ll “weigh 700 pounds” (her words) if she lets herself eat any more than that. I asked M. how she manages not to fall over at about 4 pm and she admitted that she occasionally has a mini chocolate bar as a snack. I got the impression her other meals are similar. To my knowledge, she is not on a diet; that’s just how she eats.

That bit of conversation made me wonder whether everything I’ve been reading about intuitive eating is wrong. I mean, for lunch today I had a cup or so of potato soup and some dried papaya, and my stomach is rumbling two hours later. Why can’t I subsist on yogurt and Luna bars? Is my need for real, solid food the reason I’m fat? If fat people and thin people don’t eat any differently, then how come I was utterly shocked at how little she eats?

I told M. that I tried dieting a couple of years ago and decided that genetics was always going to win, and told her a little bit about intuitive eating. She was clearly skeptical: I explained that once you get past the eat-the-world stage, your body generally wants pretty healthy food if you listen to it, but she insisted that if she ate what she really wanted then she’d eat nothing but doughnuts and soda for every meal. M. also gave me the basic fat-is-unhealthy speech, including the pressure-on-the-knees spiel.*

Although I’m proud of myself for actually speaking up about it, and I still believe in HAES and intuitive eating, I kind of feel like a failure right now. When the skinny person’s eating yogurt and Luna bars, and the fat person’s eating a whole sandwich for lunch, horrors, and still needs an afternoon snack, is it any wonder I look like a fat fat fatty making excuses?

* According to M., for every pound of weight you lose, it takes four pounds of pressure off your knees. That was a new Random Statistic on me.

Deep Thoughts: I want my life back

2008-02-05T22:21:00.000-05:00

I am lucky, I have a fantastic primary care physician who listens to me (and my myriad of complaints, the list of which grows with every visit) and only talks about my weight when I ask him to. He's never once said that my chronic back pain is due to being fat, nor has he said that losing weight will make me feel less depressed, anxious or angry. Currently, I'm going through one of my mystery phases of losing lots of weight rapidly without a diagnosable reason (I have dropped between 2 and 3 dress sizes since January 3 - I was buying a 22-24 pant then and now, I fit into a pair of 18's I'd hidden at the back of my closet). His comment was on my overall health, not on how fabulous it is that I'm losing weight.

I have gone through a spate of specialists in the last few years, trying to determine the source of severe chronic pain, digestive problems, severe peripheral edema problems and chest pain, not to mention the usual course of gynecological exams for endometriosis. Of all of the specialists, which range from an endocrinologist, an internist, a gastroenterologist, several physiotherapists and a rheumatologist, only one ever blatantly told me I was too fat and that if I lost a massive amount of weight, all of my problems would be solved. Yes, all of them, from the chronic pain; bruxism (chronic teeth grinding); migraines; digestive disorders; endometriosis; unexplained severe peripheral edema to mental health would magically dissolve as my fat melted away. I did have one gynecologist tell me to simply go get pregnant to solve my issues with endometriosis and the endocrinologist in question (also a gynecologist specializing in fertility) told me I had to lose 80-100lbs before she'd even consider diagnostic surgery (which turned out to be very much needed). The endocrinogolist wanted instead to put me on medication that would cause menopause at the age of 22. Funny enough, six years later, I started going through peri-menopause anyway (and I still can't find a doctor willing to sterilize me and give me permanent relief - but that's another story). Even the internist, who I was seeing for other issues, said I could stand to lose some weight, but if I didn't, I was still really healthy. His biggest problem was my eating habits, which are really poor and disordered.

Recently, the rheumatologist I was referred to finally gave me a diagnosis for my severe, chronic (since age 10) back pain and the leg problems that have been plaguing me since June of last year. A pinched nerve; a bulging, almost herniated, disc and degenerative disc disease that's quite advanced for someone my age. Funnily enough, this explains why I stopped doing all of the active things I used to do - swimming, hiking, cycling, soccer. I wasn't able to put a label on the kind of pain I was having - I'd started having it so young anyway that I thought it was normal - I just stopped being active.

I got a call today - I have an appointment to see a back surgeon before the end of February. While this is fabulous news, I really hope that I don't hear the "If you just lose weight, you'll be all better!" line. You try to explain to someone who thinks that magically dropping excess weight will solve all of your problems that the reason you gained the weight in the first place is because you're in pain all the time and therefore don't do anything that makes it worse and see how far you get. Granted, I have a higher pain threshold than most people, but when I'm screaming in the middle of the night because just lying still hurts, take it as a hint that I'm not exaggerating things. After seven months of agony, I'm now on heavy-duty pain killers (Percocet - and only when absolutely necessary), but what I want is not for my pain to be masked, but for it to go away so I can have my life back.

I just hope that my winning streak with doctors who treat me as a whole person and not just as someone who is fat continues with the back surgeon. I think it helps that most of the doctors I've had are themselves overweight or downright fat (my primary care physician and the internist seem to be the only exceptions - other than the endocrinologist). I don't know if that really makes a difference (and it shouldn't!) in how I'm treated as a fat patient, but I will almost always place more trust in a fat doctor's ability to treat me as a person first, and as a fat patient only if I ask to be treated as such.

First, Do No Harm offers some frightening stories about medical treatment of fat people. I hope I never have tales to add to that board.

If anyone who might read this lives in Edmonton, AB and is seeking a fat-friendly, professional primary care physician, please contact me. While he is not currently taking new patients, I can still pass you his name and number for you to find out when he might be.

Misconceptions

2007-12-12T14:45:00.000-05:00

It's funny how many people stare at me slack-jawed when I tell them I spend about three months of the year planning, and making, gourmet chocolate truffles. Slack-jawed because they're surprised I somehow have the willpower to resist eating every single one.

My friend Vic, pictured to the left, and I started making small batches of truffles about 4 years ago. By the second year, we started getting orders. Now, in our fourth year, we are looking at starting a full-time gourmet truffle & baking business.

I may be fat, but I have self-control. I make truffles (630, give or take a few, this year alone) because I like to; because I'm good at it and because we have found that we can make good money on the side by doing this.

People who know me know that although I am fat, I do not necessarily eat a lot at one sitting. In fact, I don't eat much at all. This is not because I'm trying to look like I'm making an effort at dropping extra pounds but because I am genuinely not hungry. I spent years feeling ill after eating just about anything, so today, I'm sure to only eat what I really want to eat, when I want to eat it. My "skinny" friends, on the other hand, will eat a huge plate of nachos with extra cheese sauce and not even blink - yet no one gives them a hard time.

My passion for good food does not mean I'm a glutton. My passion doesn't mean I eat just for the sake of eating; it means I enjoy what I eat and I enjoy sharing what I make.

So please, if you see a fat person eating something rich, or sweet, or covered with cheese, don't assume they eat that all the time - or that they stuff themselves to bursting at every meal time. Maybe it's their reward for a job accomplished - or maybe they had a bad day. Just because I'm fat, or someone else is, doesn't mean we should have to ration our food intake in public. I'd rather be encouraged to pursue my passion than told it'll just give me a heart attack. It is possible to be fat and healthy, as we've mentioned before on this blog.

I wish I could make people understand that their bodies are beautiful as they are - that dropping that last five pounds for vanity isn't really the way to go. Try to accept yourself as you are - bulges, stretch marks and cellulite. Try not to look at the picture taken of you when you were ten, fifteen or thirty pounds lighter and make that your goal. Make health and self-acceptance your goal; goodness knows I keep trying. And have a chocolate truffle or two this season - a little indulgence never hurt anyone.

every.body: Beth

2007-10-23T08:30:00.000-05:00

Here's the first batch of photos from the every.body project. The every.body project is an effort to normalize real, live American people rather than the unreal creations of today's mass media.

This is Beth. Beth was really a fantastic model; she's full of energy and confidence and light. I'm looking forward to working with her again.

It's getting darker earlier than I thought, and I accidentally scheduled this shoot a bit late. I had to use flash instead of natural light, so I didn't get to do everything I'd like from a photographic standpoint. We're going to meet again in daylight to do some more photos.

If you'd like to see more, the entire set from Lincoln is here. Click on any of the photos to see a larger version.

Mental health is important, no matter your size

2007-10-16T00:06:00.000-05:00

While we try mainly to cover issues to do with physical health and being overweight, we both felt that it is perfectly reasonable to bring mental and emotional health issues to light on this blog. This is a piece I wrote last week that I've received very positive comments on and I felt it would be beneficial to post it here.

Depression - a silent thief

It can be so insidious. It can sneak into your life through cracks you didn't know were there, and somehow can't protect. It really can come as a surprise when you're "supposed" to be happy because everything in life is going well.

It's not the same as blues. You don't wake up and get out of bed feeling a little low, or down in the dumps; coffee and a sugary pastry won't make you feel better. You wake up and can't get out of bed because it's too much effort. You wake up and wish you could spend the day sleeping. You wake up - and maybe wish that you hadn't. You might even develop sleeping problems - insomnia; bad dreams; and just never feeling rested; or, you may wind up sleeping 18-22 hours a day.

Depression can slowly steal your life out from under you; it can drain the life of those you love. You don't want to bring them down with you, but there really is nothing you can do about it. You can spend a lot of time in denial, especially if you've experienced it before.

You learn to keep it secret; you learn who to tell and who to keep pretending with. You get good at pretending; sometimes, you get so good you believe what you want everyone else to believe - that everything is okay and that you are, indeed, as your life dictates you should be - happy.

It will impact every area of your life. You will find out quickly who your true friends are - those who stick around while you're trying to get "back on track" for the fifth time are the ones who you want around in twenty years. Your short-term memory may suffer and you may find yourself struggling to complete tasks you once found easy and even enjoyable. You will likely find yourself wanting to find isolation and quiet, needing more time by yourself.

It might be a chemical imbalance that requires medication - and if you're lucky, the first one you're prescribed works the way it's supposed to. Also, if you're lucky, the medication that works won't make you gain weight, or break out, or sweat horribly when you shake someone's hand. It will hopefully help you sleep soundly and break the terrible mood swings that you inflict, unintentionally, on everyone around you. It will hopefully not wrap your head in cotton and dip it in mud so that you cannot think.

It might be something else that's causing the depression. It might be something that requires more than drugs, it might require trusting a doctor, a shrink, to help you through whatever is causing it.

The first step is talking to your doctor. Be honest and up front, and if you want to ensure a proper diagnosis, request a referral to a psychologist or a psychiatrist (remember, a psychiatrist can prescribe medication while a psychologist cannot). Do not be afraid to cry, to get upset, to show frustration. The best thing you can do is take charge of getting help. Get information about what medications you are prescribed (the internet is very useful). If you are diagnosed with something like depressive disorder, or clinical depression, or dysthymia, get information. It will help you.

If you do not have a doctor, contact a local help line. They can help you through moments of crisis and refer you to free or sliding-scale counseling.

~~

Obviously this is a subject that is very close to home for me. I have suffered from severe depression for many years - sometimes it's worse, sometimes it's better, but it never really goes away. What makes it even more difficult is coping with stigma. It is out there, and it's hard to handle. Because I have mental health issues (more than just depression, but that's another "note"), I sometimes have a hard time being taken seriously about health problems. I have had nurses in hospitals insult me and tell me I'm overreacting when I'm having chest pain. I have had doctors shuffle me around and around without ever finding any reasonable answer to why I'm suffering from "x". I'm patted on the head and told, "There's nothing wrong with you."

Depression, and other mental illnesses are very real. Despite what Tom Cruise says, it's not a conspiracy by the pharmaceutical companies to make money.

I am embarrassed by it; ashamed by it and angered by it but I will not be silent. And really, no, I can't just suck it up and get over it. It doesn't work like that.

plus-size portraiture

2007-10-08T14:39:00.000-05:00

One of my hobbies is amateur photography, so I tend to look at fat acceptance and fat in the media through that particular lens (pun intended). This post on Big Fat Deal talks about the headless fatty phenomenon and how fat people simply aren't represented realistically in the media. From a photography standpoint, one of my fave blogs is Trash the Dress. I was griping to a friend the other day, though, that every bride/groom featured in photos on that blog is physically attractive, thin, and white. (Hit that link and scroll down the page to see what I mean.) The photos are gorgeous, but they could easily all be of the same couple. My friend quite logically pointed out that people who have the money to hire a photographer for an extra day tend to be thin, physically attractive, and white.

The world needs more photographers taking pictures of people who aren't necessarily thin, wealthy, or white (although there's nothing wrong with any of those!), and not just "headless fatty" shots either. The more photos of fat people that are in circulation, the less "ultra-thin" bodies get normalized. So I went over to fatshionista and offered to do some portraits. The model gets some decent photographs, and I get practice doing portraits.

I mostly do landscapes and flowers, and more recently, macro and studio photography. In other words, things that hold still while I photograph them. I'm terribly shy around strangers, so people photography is not exactly one of my strong points. I think I can do this, though. My first shoot is tomorrow night over at the Lincoln Memorial.

Note: Just in case you might think only thin people are represented in wedding photography, I've just looked through 20 pages of portraits over at betterphoto.com. Number of fat people in portraits? 0.